


When The World Comes Undone

by ilyena_sylph, Merfilly



Category: DCU - Comicverse
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dark, Angst, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-03-31
Updated: 2007-03-31
Packaged: 2017-12-07 22:39:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/753887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilyena_sylph/pseuds/ilyena_sylph, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merfilly/pseuds/Merfilly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In an AU where Slade killed Roy on that rooftop, a woman claims vengeance, and the men are left with the fall out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When The World Comes Undone

**Author's Note:**

> Canon-inspired but wildly divergent on certain points. Assumes previous relationships. Also, VERY dismal in its set-up; this was very much a man-pain story

Her hands continued to clench and unclench, milking hilts she held, but only as a futile, impotent gesture. Her eye stayed locked on the furious battlefield; she was not sure just how the blonde had found them so quickly, but she had launched her first attack almost before Rose had known she was there. From her father's initial defenses he had not been so aware of her either.

The first blows struck had such raw passion to them that Rose knew better than to interfere. This fight was fully her father's, a match between him and this woman whose entire body screamed grief driven madness.

And yet she fought with a skill that made Rose have a momentary worry for her father. She sliced through his defenses, putting the battle into one of sheer give and take, with both of them taking far more than Rose had ever seen her father endure. The blonde seemed to know his armor as well as Rose did, knowing just where it flexed, and thus, just where it was more vulnerable. 

The scary thing, for Rose, was the silence in which they fought, as if each knew just what the other had to say. It took her father slicing his sword across the woman's side, and her trapping the blade despite the cost to her gloves before they spoke.

"You killed my son."

"Just business, Dinah…you knew it could come to pass."

"It's your last piece of business." She threw herself a certain way, and Rose watched in disbelief as the sword went flying, and left the man to meet her with bare hands.

"Think of who will care for his child, when I kill you, Dinah," he argued, actually trying to reason with the woman as they exchanged new blows, his strong blow breaking at least one rib, more likely three.

"Dick Grayson will raise her." The hard, cold words struck Deathstroke across the face, bringing into focus just what had lain between his Robin and the archer. 

Rose saw the subtle shift, saw one more argument rising to her father's lips a half moment before he uttered it.

"Figured it would be the archer, not you…he's killed…" His words were spaced around a sudden increase in her furious attacks, ones he could neither fully turn nor penetrate to truly incapacitate her.

"Your mistake was in thinking I had not and would not," the blonde informed him. With a speed borne of fury and grief, she moved into his space, grappling with him directly. Rose's mind screamed a warning; it was a suicidal move, when her father out weighed the woman massively, had the better leverage from his height.

"Dinah!" he snapped out, just before Rose's battle trained eye saw the pin fly, heard the ominous click…and knew that this was a fight with no winner even as she scrambled to get down and back behind the vehicle before the explosion threw her several feet.

* * *

The afterlife they were in shaped to their will, he learned quickly. First, because the images of what he…no, what the crazed spirit of Joey had made him…it was still his hands…

He forced those images away as sanity slowly returned. A form of meditation, sorely needed after the two he shared this corner of the afterlife with opted to team up and try to kill him again, was to just sit, sharpening the knife and thinking about it all.

He faced it, like the soldier he was, watching his masked visage reflect in the knife he held. He had done what he saw as right, a mercy killing for his suffering son.

He could barely count the number of lives that decision had touched.

His eye raised up, staring over his feet on the desk he had materialized to see the redhead holding the small blonde.

It was a decision still being felt.

* * *

When Nightwing's frozen voice had crackled across the Outsiders communicators, ordering them to move for Arsenal's communicator, everyone had known something was horribly wrong. They were used to him sounding cold, but... Shift had remarked softly that liquid nitrogen was warmer, even as Indigo traced the position and they all went. They'd found him in his own blood, armor more than half destroyed, and the mark of the blade had made Starfire turn pale, fingers hard against her lips. 

Then Nightwing was on the rooftop with them, and even Grace, simmering with rage, had fallen dead silent at the look on his face as he slowly dropped to one knee beside the body of his old friend. His fingers ran barely above the skin as he mapped the wounds, measured them, and Indigo flinched at the low whisper. "Never. Again." 

It sounded like a promise, a vow, and they all shivered at the next words, at the bitter hate in them. "You tried to warn me, Roy... it's not going to happen again." He closed Roy's eyes with gentle fingertips. "Grace." 

"Yeah, Boss?" She wasn't arguing with him, not when he sounded like that...

"NYPD's on the way. Stay with him. Stay out of their way. Once they've moved him, come back. We're going hunting." 

"Alright, Nightwing." 

"Hunting who?" came from Jade, her eyes hard but uncertain.

"Deathstroke." The name was like a polar wind as he came to his feet like uncoiling steel. "This was his work." 

Starfire nodded once at the confirmation, and she reached out to Nightwing, trying to catch his shoulder as she said something low and not human--and he exploded into motion, slamming her hand away from him violently. "Don't touch me, Starfire. And don't call me that." 

"How're we going to find a guy like that?" Shift asked. 

"It's all about knowing where to look," Nightwing replied, expression hard below the mask. "And I do." 

The first members of the NYPD made it up the stairs, and Nightwing turned and was gone. The rest of the Outsiders followed, barring Grace. 

*~*~*~*

Mia hung up her phone, eyes haunted as she went in search of Ollie, hoping he had not left on patrol yet. She got down into the basement just as Ollie was shouldering his quiver, and Mia stopped, her face going ghost white as she realized just what she had to say and how it was going to fall.

"Ollie?"

The archer paused, turning to see the girl he had taken in, the girl he had just let pick up her own bow. She wasn't going out tonight, supposed to be studying, he remembered, but the look on her face, the tears gathering at the corners of her eyes... he suddenly realized she was crying for him, not for what she needed to say, as she rushed over and hugged his waist.

"What... what is it, Mia?" His voice would barely work as he held onto her, his guts twisting in a knot.

"Arsenal.. Starfire just called... Arsenal's body was found. They think it was Deathstroke." Mia felt those arms that could pull a bow worthy of Penelope's challenge to her suitors tighten around her, as grief lashed into him with vengeance. She eased him down to the floor when she felt his knees giving way.

"My boy..." Ollie could barely breathe. Roy had been his son, had been his pride and joy for years. So many things suffered together, so many things shared... so many mistakes. The tears streamed down his face with unabashed openness, and Mia just crouched close by. She had not gotten to know Roy well, and now she wished she had, seeing the way it turned her guardian's heart inside out.

"The Outsiders are hunting." It was a weak offering, the thought of justice for his near-son, his protégé. He nodded, moving to try and rise, but still lost and weakened by the emotional blow. His skin paled and he reached out for her arm.

"Phone, Mia..." He accepted it as she handed it over, dialing a number quickly, and cursing when he got a voice drop. "Shit, shit, shit... Roy, son... god, please don't let her..."

He was up and moving, focusing on something, and Mia was almost frightened as he found the League communicator he never bothered with.

"League, this is Arrow! Come in, damn it!"

"Green Arrow?" The synthesized voice of Oracle cut in. "We are aware..."

"This not about my boy, Oracle! It's Canary... she has to be found!"

"I have her position in her... oh, no." Oracle's voice, despite synthesizing, carried a note of distress. "Vengeance isn't her..."

"For our boy, it would be," Green Arrow choked out.

"Stand by, Arrow... and you have my deepest sympathy for your loss." Oracle cut the connection to try and find her number one operative. Ollie hung onto the worktable to stay upright, swearing fluidly that he wished Hal were here, that he needed someone who could find Canary before she wound up in the hospital. Mia took her phone, and called the places she knew Connor might be, to get him home for Ollie, who seemed unable to move as his body shook with grief and fear.

*~*~*~

There was nothing but ice in Nightwing's veins, nothing but precision in the way his hands moved over the computers as he worked some wizardry with the systems. He hadn't spoken since he flung himself off that rooftop, despite several attempts to coax him into it. His eyes were narrow behind the mask as he attempted to figure out which of Deathstroke's nearby safehouses the mur--he--was in. 

"Nightwing." It was the precise, synthetic voice of Oracle at her most professional.

"Yes?" 

"Black Canary has gone offline. She left her gear in her apartment." The facts were given, left to hang where Nightwing could draw his own conclusions. "I have reason to believe she has knowledge of your shared prey."

"And?" //If you can't find her, why are you bothering me with it?// He finally got a hit, soft hiss of satisfaction half-heard over the line. 

"Don't let her do it," Oracle said firmly. "I know you both... felt strongly toward Roy. Save each other now."

//Felt strongly towards? He was--// He couldn't afford the thought, the distraction... nothing mattered right now but finding Deathstroke and stopping him from being the cause of another Titan's death... The anger tried to come again, the grief... but he refused to let it touch him. He had to be stopped, and it would be him that did it, this time. For good. "Mm. If you find her, tell me. I have a possible location. We're moving."

"I'm listening and looking for us all," she promised him.

"Nightwing out." He shut off the communicator with a carefully precise twist as he called the Outsiders to meet at the jet, getting into motion. None of them were being particularly vocal, as Nightwing's demeanor chilled them all, even Grace, who was gnashing her teeth at Roy's murder.

"Got a possible location," he told them as he walked onto the jet, waiting just long enough for them to settle in before he had the jet in motion. He knew he ought to brief them, remind them of Deathstroke's capabilities.. but he couldn't bring the words to his lips, couldn't manage to speak past the ice in his heart and throat. 

Seeing that, Starfire drew in a deep breath. Despite his earlier reaction to her, she would try to help, speaking in a low voice to the others, less experienced, about just what the man could do. Nightwing nodded sharply at a few points, as he took them fast towards that location.

~*~*~*

He brought them in low and fast over the ground, coming up on what should have been Slade's safe house. A car sat there, doors still open, lights blazing…and Rose just picking herself up from the outskirts of a volatile explosion ring.

//What the?// "Go," he snapped the second he saw it, hand slamming down on a hatch release. None of them would have trouble with the drop. "Ravager is as fast as her father and insane," he warned the others. "Starfire." 'Don't let her go' passed between them. He was trying to make out the details of what lay inside that ring of debris. 

Starfire nodded sharply, and the team was on top of it. Starfire detailed Anissa and Grace both to take Rose, while she and Jade did an aerial survey. 

"Aww shit…" That came from Shift, almost the same instant Dick took in the bike outside the blast radius, and what looked to be severely damaged bodies within the ring. 

"Shift?" sharp, harsh question as he went over the ring and headed towards... them. The blue and orange armor was still half-intact, leaving little doubt in his mind, but the other, the long, full-black bodysuit on the small body... He swallowed hard as it hit him, just who that other, horribly mangled figure had to be... and it didn't take much longer to realize exactly what she'd done. 

"Oh, brilliant... Suicide, but brilliant..." he whispered, even as rage screamed through him that she'd taken it out of his hands. 

"I know that bike...Rex's got pics of that bike," Shift said, voice haunted by the not quite memories. 

Starfire stayed in the air, not trusting this, feeling a catastrophe in the making. 

Rose offered no resistance, as Anissa and Grace cornered her, still in deep shock as she stared at where her father should have been victorious, where he should have made the woman die... at where the evidence of his failure was still lying.

Nightwing nodded once, sharply, trying to leash the storm of rage he'd been holding to turn loose on Slade. Stripped of his target, he was struggling to keep it under control. "Black Canary." //Damn you, Dinah.// 

Shift groaned, but it was Jade who gave a short cry, looking first at the bike, and then at the bodies. 

"Oh god..." She covered her mouth, horrified at just what this would mean, to her family. She'd never gotten close to Dinah, but knew she had been like a daughter or niece to the senior JSA members. She instinctively thought to reach for Kyle, so far away in space, but hoping he could feel her; she knew she was going to need him soon. 

"Car." Rose's first word caught Grace's attention. "Back." 

Grace jerked her head, and Anissa tightened the hold on Rose, increasing her density to make it an unbreakable hold, while Grace checked the back of the car. What she saw caused her to rip the back door wide open. 

"NIGHTWING!" 

He spun, hearing the savagery and shock in Grace's voice and moved, racing to the car, to her, his eyes widening as he saw the small figure in the back and he went under her arm, into the seat, pulling Lian back out of the car, holding her in one arm as he checked her over with the other, fast, efficient movements. //So still, no... pulse's fine. She's breathing fine. Drugged. Just drugged. She's safe. She's okay.// 

His legs nearly went out from under him, relief and a whole new tide of rage slamming through him as he held her tight against his body, and the control broke on his voice as he swore in filthy Romany about Slade's parentage, habits, manners and certain destination in the afterlife, consigning him to hell.

"Roy's child?!" Now Starfire did come to land, eyes snapping as she looked at Rose with anger. 

"Daddy wanted me to have a little sister, perfect sister...." 

Any doubt they might have had on the white-haired girl's sanity evaporated at the lost, little girl tone that went with those chilling words and the discovery of Lian being in their custody. 

Dick kept Lian tight against his chest as his head came around at Rose's words, and it was as if the eyes behind the mask looked straight through her. "He protected you." The words were low and icy. "And this is how you repay him?" 

He had to keep it together, he was all Lian had now, the contingency plans had always been Dinah first, him second, but they were still there in the will, once it was read, Roy'd never wanted Lian to go to Ollie, even after they patched things... He had to keep it together for her... //I have to tell everyone.// He turned the comm link back on. "Oracle." 

Even Anissa shuddered at the tone of Nightwing's voice, especially directed at the broken thing she held, then dragged Rose away, to secure her until they decided what to do with her. 

"Oracle here." There was dread in her voice, hidden behind the synthetic one. 

"It's bad," he warned her. If he said it, everything was real.

"Go ahead Nightwing." Fully professional, the dispatcher of the League, the data queen to countless heroes, was ready to take the news she had been dreading, that Canary or he had gotten to Slade, been injured severely, or one of the Outsiders maybe.

The cool in her voice, the professional composure steadied him, pulled him into the focus of the report, the necessary details... but he walked away from the Outsiders, far enough that no-one could hear his voice, and his back was turned "I don't know how Canary beat us here, but she did. ...Deathstroke's down. Permanently... and... she's gone, Babs. She took him with her. Ravager's in custody, seems to have snapped... and they had Lian." 

There was silence for a moment. "You'll find a tracker on whatever vehicle she had," Oracle managed. "She said she was going to check on Lian, not tell her yet, just check... that was before comm silence. The tracker is keyed to Lian... microchip. Dinah's idea." She was focusing on the how, to keep from breaking down over the loss of the one person she... "Lian?"

"Safe. Drugged, but I've got her." //God, why didn't Roy or I think of that?!// "...I... I'm sorry, Babs." //If I'd been faster...// "Need a League team down here, O... but it's messy." 

There was a choked sound at that. "En route. Containment and clean up, to be on the safe side, Nightwing. I'll handle further information dissemination." 

He nodded once, though she couldn't see it. //Who can I get to go to her?// He couldn't. Lian was going to be all he could handle... and he was so angry at Dinah he could hardly breathe, angry with the world, Roy, himself, and if he saw Bruce... best not to think about that. "Alright. We'll stay until they get here." He held Lian close, hoping whatever she'd been drugged with held out a little longer... 

"Oracle out." 

Once he let it be seen he was done, Jade came up. "Nightwing... I have to go. I can't let..." 

"Go, Jade. Fast." Everyone knew Dinah's ties to the JSA, to Jade's father. "We've got this." 

She launched skyward with the next heartbeat, hoping the word moved slower than she did that one of their own had fallen... and so needlessly. 

`~`~`~`~` 

"J'onn?" The voice was solid, human, but composed. 

"Oracle," he said in turn. 

"The call for the League... from Arrow?" she said. 

"Yes?" He did not mean to prod against her mind, but her voice cracked when she tried to speak, and he hissed a deep breath inward. "Dinah!" he exclaimed, despite himself. 

"Arrow needs to be told." Oracle could not do it herself; it would break her concentration on matters at hand. 

"On my way... and I am here for you." 

"He needs you." She would grieve later…much later. 

`~`~`~`~` 

Moments after she finished the call to J'onn, a shadow moved through her rooms, came to stand behind and at her side in her vision before, a black-gloved hand settled on her shoulder.

Oracle thought about contacting the JSA next, or her own shaky team mate... but Jade was on the Outsiders and Huntress... Huntress would know soon enough. She pulled her boards to standby, and turned slowly to look up at him, fighting the urge to break down. 

"Dinah's gone. She did it. She took out Deathstroke…but it cost her her own life." 

"I... overheard," the Bat nodded, and knelt down beside her, folding the lenses back to look at her from dark blue eyes. Knowing that he could not go near his son right now... was agonizing, but he could be here for Barbara, who'd lost nearly as much.

She met those eyes, before letting the tears spill. "So stupid, but she knew they had Lian... she'd have seen that as a threat for the rest of Lian's life, some sinister plan on their part..." She sobbed softly. "Too grief blind by losing Arsenal, then to know Lian was in danger? Stupid woman." She was torn between anger at what Dinah had done, and seeing, knowing why it had happened.

Her tears made him reach for her, offering his support. He wasn't good at comforting people, but seeing her cry... He couldn't help a nod at her words. She'd picked the situation apart perfectly. "Apparently she thought she had no choice..."

"Sometimes, her world was black and white. She might even have been right... but oh, god, Bruce!" She gave way to the full weight of losing the woman who had shown her how to fly through her eyes, held tight by the man who had given her the right to fly originally. Losing Dinah felt very akin to the feeling she had faced the morning she knew she was never going to walk again.

He held her, settling her into his arms more securely, rocking her slowly, letting the attempt at comforting her take some of his own grief for one of his city's daughters, a woman he'd once wanted badly... "I'm sorry, Babs," he said against her hair, hating the uselessness of the words.

She stayed tucked close to him, knowing dimly in her mind it should be Dick here, Dick the one he held and cared for…but Dick would not accept it, and right now Bruce was all Barbara had as she grieved.

He held her tightly, hand moving slowly over her hair, wishing there was something he could do to help with her grief... but Dinah had taken even that away from them, with that single, suicidal move. 

"I never told her Bruce…never told her just what she meant in my life," Barbara whispered.

//Oh, Barbara... I taught you too well.// He held her a little closer, shaking his head. "Dinah knew people, Babs..." it was mild comfort, at best, that he was sure she had known, in that way she had... 

"Except him... or maybe she did. Maybe that's why she chose that." Barbara closed her eyes. "Thank you." It was a whisper, and she loosened her grip, in case he needed to go, now that she was almost back under control.

He was willing to let her go if she insisted, but this was where he needed to be right now. She felt that willingness, and nodded once, before just breathing in the security he offered. 

`~`~`~`~` 

Nightwing walked off the Outsiders jet once Shift parked it, Lian still cradled in his arms, asleep, going over where to go next. He'd promised Roy late one night he would never take Lian into the Haven. He couldn't stand the thought of walking into Roy's apartment, seeing the mess he always swore he'd get to tomorrow... and the Manor was as out of the question as the moon... It was Bruce Slade had impersonated to get close enough to his lover, Bruce that had bankrolled the team that had killed his lover, his best friend... 

He heard the touchdown of feet behind him, then another pair of feet hitting the roof with purposeful noise. "Nightwing." It was Tim's voice, which meant it was probably Superboy with him.

"Robin." He turned, looking towards him. "Yes?" 

Kon wasn't real good at body language, and his people-reading sucked a lot, especially with Bats... but even he could see that this had ripped Nightwing in half and not left much behind. //Guess it was really true...// 

"I thought you might want a ride somewhere." Robin kept his tone even, pushing his concern away, out of his body and face and voice.

Nightwing nodded once. "Figuring out where. Can't go too far..." 

"Yes you can." Robin gave him a firm look behind the lenses. "The cabin."

Dick closed his eyes behind the lenses as he held still by main force, then slowly nodded again. "Good idea, Robin." He'd taken care of most of the details on the way, made sure the NYPD knew how to contact him... He could go. He'd have to get things for Lian--god, he ddn't have a clue...--but they'd be okay for a little bit. "Let's go." 

He let himself step towards Kon, and forced himself to be polite. "Hi, Superboy." 

"Nightwing... I..." he changed what he was saying at a glare from Robin. "Guess I'm playing taxi."

"We'll get you two settled, then … Kon and I will get you both whatever you need." Robin was going to be sure Dick was taken care of, try and help him through this. He could not even think about losing Kon, and it wasn't even like they were together the way Dick and Roy had been. 

Kon picked them both--all three--up carefully and took off, "So, where'm I headed, Tim?" once they wouldn't be heard. 

Nightwing was rejecting the urge to say something cutting to his brother, and just cradled Lian more tightly, despite that Superboy had them both wrapped in his protective field. 

Tim gave Kon directions, but focused intently on Dick with all other senses. He could tell the man was hurting, could tell he needed to let it out, but knew he would not while the girl was his focal point.

Kon settled down in front of the place before long, staring at it. Only the crazy-rich would call this place a cabin... but then, the Bat had to be loaded, to have all his toys, so... That made sense. He wasn't going near the door until one of them told him it wasn't going to set off some crazy security, either. 

Nightwing walked towards the door, but let Tim handle the security system. It was all falling in on him, everything he'd been holding back with the full force of his will... but he had to hang on, for Lian's sake. Tim disarmed everything, checked the place over, then nodded silently to Dick. He tried to gauge if staying would do any good right now, or if Dick needed the alone time first.

"I... need to get out of this," Dick told his brother, and with a struggle, he started to offer Lian to his brother. He had to let her go that long, and Tim would keep her safe... 

His brother accepted the child, shifting her against his chest carefully, cradling her head on his shoulder. A pang passed through Dick that Tim should have to learn how to hold a child because of the psychopath that had hurt Titans so many times over the years.

Nightwing nodded, and disappeared silently. 

"He's..." Kon shut himself up, and tried to help. "Hey. Give me Lian. Go see if you can get him to talk, or something..." 

"I can't, Kon. If Lian woke up... no, I have to hold her." Tim looked at his best friend. "It hasn't been that long since she went through a real bad time."

"Okay. What can I do?" Tim looked damn serious about that, so Kon let it go. 

Dick walked into the room he'd used a few times and started stripping out of the Nightwing suit, pieces falling almost violently as he abandoned the role that had proved so utterly useless, and dug quickly for civilian clothing, sliding into it. A glance at himself in the mirror made him stop and attempt to control his expression, force himself calm... but every attempt slid away like water and he left the room again. 

"Nothing... but just do what I ask, no matter what," Tim told his best friend. 

"Okay." Kon hovered nearby... and looked up at the sound of a footstep, wincing away from the look on Nightwing's face now that his eyes were exposed. //He's...// the only word Kon could think of was 'broken', but that word couldn't apply to Nightwing, or they were all screwed... //Wait a... I know that face...// It was going to bug him until he figured it out, but that wasn't important right now. 

Dick took his best fr--his--little girl away from his brother and settled into an armchair with her. "I'm okay, Tim. Go home. O's going to need you." 

"She's covered." Tim did not need to say who, or that Dick should have come home; he knew better. "Kon and I will go get supplies, for you both."

Dick nodded once, just slowly stroking down Lian's hair slowly. 

Kon followed Tim's lead, like normal. Tim took his best friend out of the cabin, hoping Lian was awake when they got back, so introductions could be made... and Tim could get Dick alone.

Kon looked at him with huge eyes, "He's... so completely not okay. Did he really think you'd buy that?" 

"He's so busy hating right now, he can't see he's being the person he's hating," Tim said, shaking his head. "Let's hurry."

Kon nodded and picked Tim up to head into town. 

*~*~

Lian woke with a very loud, piercing cry, as the drug fog gave way to a strange place and memories of Rose... what Rose had done…and then she smelled/felt Uncle Dick and burrowed into him.

"Lian, Lian you're safe. I'm here, you're safe," his voice told her as his arms held her tight against his chest. He couldn't bring himself to even mouth the words 'it's okay'. 

"Rose killed the babysitter, Uncle Dick." Her voice was soft and quiet. "Daddy's going to have to find someone new..."

Despite every attempt, Dick's arms tightened around her as he fought the sob her words brought. //God I wish he could, Lian...//

Lian felt that, heard him breaking inside, and looked into his eyes. What she saw there made her throw her head forward onto his shoulder, howling in the pain of a child who just found her worst nightmare was real.

Dick held her tight, shuddering with the sobs he was fighting so hard not to let go, but the sound of her keening in grief... It was so hard not to just let go with her, and howl himself... 

"DADDY! NO!" 

"I'm sorry, baby," he choked, and as if that had shattered the floodgates, his own tears started, breath catching in choking sobs even as he fought to control it, not to frighten her with his grief... She'd just lost her father, her whole world... He didn't need to scare her...

She clung to his neck, entire tiny body wracked by sobs, but clinging hard to him in his crying. "Daddy left us... no, daddy..." She kept whimpering through her grief, not once relaxing her death grip on him.

"He didn't want to, baby," Dick forced out, thinking of the fight Roy'd put up, the wounds on him... //God, you fought... Slade, you son of a BITCH...// The rage let him get a handle on the grief and he stopped crying, breathing slowly evening out as he stroked her hair. "I'm so sorry, baby... So sorry..."

She pulled back, eyes read and swollen, face streaked by the effort of crying so hard. "Who's going to tuck my teddy bear in at night now?"

"I am, baby, if you'll let me..." 

She choked back a sniffle, a tear tracing a line from her eye down her cheek. "Can I still go see Gran'pa Ollie and Uncle Connor and Aunt Mia? Or, if they're too far away, is it okay to see Aunt Dinah?" She was trying, trying to focus on Daddy not being there the right way, by seeing what was still okay.

"You can go to your Grampa and Uncle and Aunt as much as you want, baby--or at least, as often as I can take you." //Oh, god, how do I tell her?// 

"Okay... Daddy...." She burst into tears then, and pressed her face into his chest. She couldn't stay calm for long; her heart felt like it wanted to stop in her chest, and breathing was very hard, but she clung to Dick. Daddy had told her once Uncle Dick would need her, if he never came home.

Dick's heart almost stopped as she started to cry again, something broken-off there in her words, and he helplessly petted her hair, rocking slightly in his grief.

`~`~`~`~` 

J'onn used the teleporters to get close, then flew and phased into Ollie's house, praying to H'ronmeer that no gossip flew ahead of him. It was best Oliver hear it from a friend, one they both had shared over the years. 

Connor had headed home the moment Mia's call reached him, and between the two of them they'd coaxed him upstairs to the living room, though he refused to release that communicator. Mia'd filled him in quietly, and his heart ached for the "brother" he'd barely gotten to know, for his father's grief, and for his little niece. 

"Shit!" Mia could not help the startled reaction as one of The Big Heroes was suddenly in her living room. Ollie looked up from his hands, saw J'onn, and blanched white in such rapidity that Mia worried about his heart. He was up on his feet the next moment, striding over to face the alien. 

"J'onn?" The voice was quiet, half-pleading, half-denying what his presence meant. 

"Oliver... Dinah found Deathstroke." 

Ollie's face went hard, masked in fury, and his hand flexed. "I'm going to kill..." He was pulled up short, out of the litany of hate, of the thirst to hunt by J'onn taking both his shoulders, vaguely aware of a presence focusing here on this house, summoned by that need to avenge what had been done to his family. 

"Oliver... she finished that hunt... at the cost of her life." 

As his words hit the air, Mia cried out sharply, and Ollie started to collapse. J'onn was helped in catching him, in guiding him down as the Spectre formed fully, there for his friend, too late one more time. 

Connor flinched back from the words, first his father's seething rage, then the confirmation that they'd lost Dinah, too... He went to Mia, pulling her against his chest, as another presence formed in the house, one he hardly recognized...

"She's gone too... Roy, Dinah... god, Connor, you're all he's got now..." Mia whispered softly, curling into him. 

Connor shook his head. "No. We're all he's got," he corrected her, holding her close, feeling the weight of it settle heavy around his shoulders, and he cursed mentally at the cruel hand fate had dealt his family, that he had had to tell his father's soul's mate that he had died, and now was here while his father, brought back, heard that the woman he'd never stopped loving had left him behind, now...

The Spectre pushed his hood back, to reveal the visage of Hal Jordan, and all he could do was hold onto Ollie from the back, while J'onn let him rest his head on his chest. Ollie was making very little sound, but his body was all but convulsing with the sheer weight of his grief-stricken crying. 

"We're here, Ollie..." Hal said softly. "We're here." 

The only answer for him was another silent sob. 

`~`~`~`~` 

As Tim and Kon made it back, they could hear Dick and Lian inside the cabin.

Kon tilted his head, balancing the groceries in his arms. "I'll go stick these in the kitchen, okay? Sounds like the kid's awake..." 

"I need to make her know you're safe," Tim said softly. "Dick won't...Somehow I have to get her out of his space to help him."

"Okay. I'll be right there. Good enough?" Really, even just moving a little faster than normal, it wouldn't take long to drop everything vaguely where it ought to be... 

"Okay." Tim squeezed Kon's arm and made his way into the room with Dick and Lian. "Hi, Lian...do you remember me?"

Lian looked up, studied his face, and then slowly nodded. "You're Robin," as she cuddled back against Dick, making him tighten his arms around her. 

"Yeah," Tim said, smiling gently for the girl, a light, yet still sad look. "Me and my friend, Superboy, are here to help a little bit. But you can call us Timmy and Kon."

"Timmy-Robin," she said softly, as if making a note of it, her little girl's voice rough from crying. "Where is he?"

"Sounds like he's in the kitchen, Lian," Dick told her, hand moving on her back. After a few minutes, Kon walked through the door, and moved over to crouch down a couple of feet from she and Dick. 

"Hi, there, Lian. Tim tell you my name's Kon?"

She nodded shyly, easing a little bit to see his tee shirt 'S' more than anything. "You're Superman's kid," she said, half questioning.

Tim watched silently, willing Lian to choose to trust him, so Kon could lure her to the kitchen for a snack.

"Kind of," Kon nodded. "It's really weird, and complicated adult-stuff that I'm still confused about too. But I can do lots of the stuff he can," Kon said, grinning slightly.

"Lian, Kon bought some cookies he'd like to share with you in the kitchen. Will you let him?" Tim asked. 

Lian looked from Kon to Tim to Dick, wondering if she was allowed to eat cookies when she had not even had dinner.

Dick looked at her. "You want that cookie, baby girl? Just a couple, Kon, if she wants to go." 

He nodded. "I'll see what I can do about dinner, too, N--Dick."

Lian slowly moved into Kon's waiting arms, finding him to be a very warm climbing post. Her little arms wrapped tight around his neck, knowing that a Super had to be safe; her daddy even liked the Supers. That made her chin quiver, and she bit down the urge to howl again, closing her eyes and burrowing her wet face against Kon's neck.

Kon held her close, feeling the quiver in her jaw, and he rubbed her back, holding her with the other arm. "I've gotcha, kiddo. Come on, let's go raid the cookies." He stood up, then shrugged a shoulder slightly and slowly flew towards the kitchen, hoping that it might cheer Lian up a little. 

Dick watched that, a little amused, and looked up at Tim, arms folded against his chest now that Lian wasn't in them. Tim moved to sit on the couch, not right in arm's reach, but close, and studied Dick's face.

"Talk, big brother…please."

Dick gave him a long, steady look, despite the tears on his face and the redness in his eyes. "I'm fine. I have to be."

"Bullshit." Tim scrubbed at his own face. "Dick…I know what he was to you!" He gritted his teeth. "And what the man who did it was, too."

Dick looked away, biting at his lip, trying to control the shudder running down his spine. "Tim, don't do this... I can't..."

"So what? I'm supposed to ignore my big brother's pain? Let him walk around like a robot?" Tim's voice was harder than usual. "Don't remember you letting me do that for Steph."

Dick tightened his hands on his arms, swallowing hard. "I'm all that little girl has, Tim... I don't get to break."

"You have to let someone support you, Dick." Tim shifted over, hesitantly reaching out to the man with one hand.

//You're the don't-touch-me-one, Tim, what the hell?"// He didn't try to stop the touch from landing, but didn't lean into it either, his eyes so dark they were almost black as he shook his head hard, breathing shallowly to keep from making noise--or worse, starting to cry again. Or screaming. Tim was pushing at the walls he was barely keeping up. Some small part of him realized how surreal that was, that it was Tim trying to get through to him, but...

Tim felt that stubborn will, realized tat Dick was not going to let him in, and almost lashed out with a Bruce comment. He bit it back, ran a thumb over Dick's cheekbone, and pulled away. "I'll be there, if you need me."

That light touch across his cheek started breaking down the walls, "I... " His hand snapped out without his consent, catching Tim's pulling-away hand, eyes closing to hide his eyes as he latched onto his brother. //What am I doing, no, let go, let him go, (Tim don't leave)...//

Tim moved then, Robin-fast, inside of Dick's arms and giving over his body for comfort to the touch oriented man.

"I am here," he said hoarsely against Dick's ear, biting back his own emotions.

Dick tangled his arms around him, shuddering against his brother's hold, "God, Tim..." he whimpered softly, throat aching as he buried his face against his brother's hair. "I..." //miss him (I can't breathe) I'm so angry (god, I could kill Bruce because he's the only one i can get my hands on), Dinah took Slade (there's nothing i can do about anything) it hurts....//

"I'm here." It was all Tim could do, all he could say, as he stroked and petted, hands moving over muscles and into hair. "Let it go. Let it out, while Kon's got the girl."

Dick shuddered, hands tightening on Tim's back hard as he struggled for breath, the tears starting to come all over again as Tim slid through his walls and made him feel.

Tim held him, keeping Dick's face against his chest after pushing up, to be higher. "I'm here, I will be here, I won't let go, as long as you need me." //Kon, you and I are having a LONG talk.// 

Dick curled against him, shaking with hot, silent tears, the simple comfort of his brother's touch pushing him past the rage and into the choking blackness of grief he knew far too well. Soft little whimpers broke in his throat and he just clung on tighter, drowning in it.

"That's it. Let go. I'm taking care of you," Tim reassured.

Dick just let go and sobbed, mostly silently, as grief slammed over him over and over again like getting caught in the undertow and dragged under... and he just stopped thinking, let his brother handle everything while he broke down—

`~`~`~`~`

Ollie pulled free of J'onn, away from Hal. He had no more grief to give, a cold emptiness settling on him as he glared at Hal.

"Get out." 

The quiet words made everyone stare at the archer. Hal opened his mouth, and was in the middle of asking why when the hard left hook caught him, knocking him backward.

"You weren't there when my boy, when my…you just weren't there! And you got in the way too many times! So get the hell out of my house, my life, don't come near me or mine again!" 

"Ollie, I..." Hal caught himself, came back to his feet, and reached out. "I didn't know in time, Ollie or I'd have tried to stop her..." He'd deserved the punch, but he wasn't going to lose Ollie, damn it. 

"Get out." Ollie turned his back. "Nothing more to do with you, Jordan. Ever." He walked out of the room, and Mia was the first to move.

"Spectre, right? I suggest you leave, or I'll have the League here in five minutes."

"Hal…go," J'onn urged, voice low and gravelly. "I will watch over him."

His eyes flashed at the little girl threatening him but he turned back towards Ollie and J'onn and nodded once, slowly. "All right, Ollie. I'll go. But all you've got to do is call." It was a bare moment's thought to be invisible, unnoticed... but it took longer to force himself to leave.

J'onn watched Ollie a long moment, then followed him as he went upstairs. 

"No. I need to be alone." The archer shook his head. "Alone."

"Ollie…you need…"

"My kids are here. Others are going to need you," Ollie growled. "So go."

Reluctantly J'onn fell back, turning a look to the young people, who nodded; they would take care of Ollie.

`~`~`~`~`

Dick stood with the phone to his ear, waiting for someone to pick up in the Queen household. He might hold Roy's power of attorney, but he wasn't going to do this without talking to Ollie.

"Hello?" It was a very subdued female voice at the other end.

"...Speedy? Hi. I need to talk to Ollie."

"Hold on." There was the sound of her walking, then a door opening softly. Very muffled, he heard her call Ollie's name, before the phone was passed over. 

"Hello?" Pain-rough voice, lost in misery and shot through with guilt came to Dick's ears as the sound of the door closing again could be heard in the background.

"Ollie? Hi..." //You sound like I feel...//

"Dick." There was a hard hitch before he managed to say it, the sound of a man biting back tears. "I, umm…I know Roy's wishes," he said, trying to be brave, trying to fully face how screwed up he had been that his son had chosen the on again, off again lover for a parent to his little girl.

"Figured you did. I just..." his breath shuddered before he could make himself keep talking, "got off the phone with the coroner's office, they're… going to let me claim the body," his nails were cutting into his hands with the effort it took to even come close to keeping his voice steady. "I've been talking to the tribal council, and they'll bury him in their way if I take him back, but... I can't just decide that. Not without..."

Ollie took a sobbing breath, fought the urge to demand Roy be taken to the ashram, to where he himself had been buried. "Thanks…I think it would be best too." His boy had been Navajo in all that mattered. "Taking him home is the right thing to do."

"All right. Do you... there's room on the plane." Stupid to ask if he 'wanted' to go, but he needed to make the offer.

The archer considered for a long moment. "I don't know if I can," he admitted in a broken voice, before he began to sob again.

"All right. I'll be leaving Aspen's private airport... you remember the one... at seven a.m. local time, if you decide you can. I just... thought you might want to say goodbye. Or Connor might." //I don't know if I can see him like that again!//

Ollie took a long deep breath in. He knew he should go, knew he should be strong for Roy…to say goodbye and make it final. Roy had been there for him...but Roy had Dinah…and at that thought he cut all others off. "I'll be there…we will."

"All right. Lian will be glad to see you. All of you." Explaining to his little girl about Dinah had been the second-hardest thing he'd ever done, and he was damn glad Kon and Tim had been there to take some of the strain.

"See ya, kid." Ollie forced himself to sound normal, but his voice still broke as he tried to end high. He quickly hung up; Dick did not need to listen to him be a wreck.

Dick hung up, and went to go find Lian and Kon--the two were about inseparable, which worried him a little, but then, an invulnerable babysitter wasn't such a bad thing. Especially since his goofy charm could even get her to laugh a little.

Kon was sprawled on the couch, listening as Lian read a book to him, a classic children's story, but one that was completely new to Kon, as the clone had not had a proper childhood to build those kind of memories. Lian was sitting with her back against the couch, her legs over top of Kon's chest.

Dick leaned against the doorframe to listen to her reading, almost managing to smile at the sight of the super-teen pinned down by the little girl. 

Kon looked up, saw the expression on Dick's face and just stayed quiet, forcing his hearing up to figure out where Tim was.

Tim was in the kitchen, straightening things in preparation of them all leaving. He had not let Dick be alone too often in their stay, waiting for the coroner to be done.

Lian came to the end of her book, with a satisfied look that Sam I Am had gotten his way about tasting the green eggs and ham. After all, it was very important to try new things. When she glanced up and saw Dick, she set the book down and climbed off her babysitter to go be picked up by her favorite uncle now turned papa.

"Hi, baby girl," Dick said softly, holding her close. "Your grandpa's going to go with us to take your daddy home..." It'd been a damnably early morning, but she was as much an early bird as he'd once been. And it wasn't like he was sleeping much.

"Okay." Lian got very solemn, clinging hard to his neck. She started to shake, her body unable to hold back all of what she felt no matter how quiet her crying had become.

He just rocked her, one hand in her hair, trying to tell her it was okay to let it out with nothing but his touch. He'd demolished a couple of punching bags late at night over the last few, pouring his anger out on them--and completely refusing to let Tim anywhere near a set of mats with him--but the tears simply wouldn't come again, even with her silent tears against his neck. It felt like he'd cried himself out... but he remembered feeling like this, the numbness that nothing could break through--it wouldn't last. It never did.

"Hurts, papa," she whispered, a small whimper in her voice. "Want to lay down now."

"All right, Lian." He turned to take her up to bed. They had a while, he could hold her that long. 

Kon went to find Tim, leaning against the closest piece of kitchen equipment, watching him move around. "Sounds like Green Arrow's going to be going with... are we going down there with them?"

"If GA is to be there, we probably shouldn't go," Tim said. "Kon…you and I need to have a serious talk, soon."

Kon went still, watching Tim worriedly. "Yeah? And... okay. Lian'll be okay with them, they're her family, right?"

"She'll be fine, Kon." Tim watched his best friend closely, too aware of what his brother was fighting to stay alive to even think about not letting Kon know his feelings.

"All right. Guess we wait until they're on the plane safe--and can I just say, again, that I hate the things?--and then we can have this chat, whatever it is?"

"Yeah. Works, Kon." Tim returned to cleaning up the kitchen.

"A'ight. Need any help?" Tim pointed him toward the pile of dishes still to be repacked and stowed.

`~`~`~`~`

Connor and Mia were walking side by side behind Ollie, trying not to look like they were there to catch him. The elder archer was freshly shaven, clean faced for the first time in years. He had red-rimmed eyes, but was dry-cheeked.

Dick blinked in shock, holding Lian settled on a hip, standing there in the Nightwing suit, and hating the feel of it against his skin... but Dick Grayson couldn't pick up Arsenal's body. Nightwing had to. "Ollie." He looked past him. "Connor, Mia." Then spotted the last member of the small party, and behind the mask his eyes closed. "Kyle." He'd never been close to the Lantern, but he was glad to see him there. Connor could probably use the support.

"Nightwing." Oliver's voice was rough, as if he had not used it much since they spoke last. 

"Hello," Kyle said, as Connor bowed his head and Mia shifted uncomfortably. The decision to appear as civilians had been a rough one, but Ollie had insisted he would rather the world know he was proud of his son as a father, more than as the mentor of the hero Roy had been.

Lian stared at Ollie, eyes wide. "Grampa, you shaved," she said in suprise, wide-eyed. 

He waited to see if Lian wanted to go to Ollie, handed her over when yes, she did, then turned to walk onto the plane. Not one of the bat-jets, but a sleek Lear. "Sorry I won't be much company. I'm your pilot for the rest of this. Pick your seats."

"Understood, Nightwing," Connor answered. They all got seats and strapped in.

"Sorry, sweetie," Ollie told the little girl. "Got a little careless with the razor, and it all had to go." He did not say just how bad his hands had been shaking, or that he had hated looking in the mirror.

She patted at his bare lip disbelievingly, then cuddled against him, clinging to his shirt. 

Kyle watched the older hero's back, stunned by what he could see. He'd never seen that kind of quiet in Nightwing… it was a truth of his personality that he was always in motion, that he never walked when there was another option, but he was moving so heavily now... //As if Roy took him with him, and all that's left is the body... oh, God.... They really were... They must have been....// His hand reached and locked around Connor's wrist almost instinctively.

Connor felt that touch, saw the same thing, and thanked all he held dear that Kyle and he and Jade had come to terms with things so quickly in face of losing Roy. He shifted the hold to one of laced fingers, keeping it low between their legs, so as not to be blatant and offensive to the two people who had lost their soul mates.

Mia wanted to crawl into herself all over again. She felt very much the outsider here, knowing the pain, but just on the edges of it all. It was Ollie that drew her focus the strongest, but she also recognized that she, as Speedy, represented a painful reminder he did not need.

Ollie held the child close, keeping his reserve, being the patriarchal figure for once in his life and just comforting Lian, stroking her hair and back.

Kyle could go with that, and just held on as the jet leapt into the air and caught the same tailwind he'd taken advantage of to get them out here. It was going to be a very long, very quiet flight. He looked over at Mia, and smiled at her sadly, seeing how agonizingly out of place she felt. So did he, barring that Connor needed him.

`~`~`~`~`

It had been done, and the kids had moved away, leaving Ollie holding Lian, finally asleep after crying herself out again, to speak to Dick.

"I want you to know…if you ever need anything, Dick…my house is open to you." Ollie's voice shook on occasion; it had the whole time they had been together. The desert felt alien to Ollie now, rejecting him the way he had rejected Roy so wrongly years ago.

"I... would you mind if we came out there?" His eyes snapped up at a shrill, unearthly cry, spotting a hawk in the air above them, riding a current, and something teased at the back of his brain, something about Roy.

Ollie watched the hawk, a shiver down his spine. "Fly high," he whispered, fighting the blackness of despair again. He focused back on Dick. "You and Lian have a place anywhere I live." He was damn close to leaving for the ashram, but he knew beyond doubt he would not find peace there either.

Dick looked over at that whisper, and his eyes sharpened--the mask was gone, had been from the minute they got back onto the plane. "What am I forgetting? You know it too..." Then he nodded. "Thank you... Robin might actually leave me alone if I'm with you."

Ollie actually smiled softly. "Dared him to get a tail feather. His own totem." The smile faded as he dropped his eyes, not wanting Dick to see the pain in them. "Why don't we send the kids on home, and I'll let you and Lian give an old man a ride home?" Younger body or not, Ollie was feeling every year he had lived through.

Dick nodded. "They can take air Lantern," he agreed, throat aching again in sympathy with Ollie's pain. //And he did it, didn't he?// he wasn't willing to ask, but he knew Roy's aim-- He looked away sharply, eyes closing. Ollie stepped near, managing to shift one arm up to squeeze Dick's shoulder. He was silent, but the message was clear…Ollie understood.

Dick's shoulders tensed hard... then he pressed against the touch, against that solid grip that felt like safety... He made himself move away again. "I'll go start her back up, you kick the kids home?" as he reached out for Lian, though the move wasn't demanding. 

Ollie moved to make the shift from his shoulder to Dick's with comfortable ease, having done this so many times giving her back to her daddy, already asleep…. He jerked his thoughts away from the fact he'd never get to again.

"I can do that, son." The word came easily to him; he had wanted the day when Dick wised up to be part of Roy's world forever since the first time he realized Roy was head over heels. 

Dick's shoulders twitched at the word, so damn loaded... but he nodded and cradled Lian easily as he headed for the jet, looking up to see if that hawk was still up there spiraling around. It was off to the northwest now... //Okay, Roy, this's gettin' creepy...//

Ollie walked back to the others, merely asking Kyle to take everyone else home, and saying he needed some time with Dick, to help make decisions for Lian's future.

Kyle agreed, then gathered his 'family' close once Ollie had walked away. "Mia, care if I take you by the Tower? Connor and I should go to Warriors…"

Connor winced, but he knew his father would not be able to.

"Actually, Kyle, maybe I should go to the JSA headquarters." Mia had liked Dinah a lot, had appreciated that the woman had continued to encourage her even after leaving Ollie. "He won't even talk about her…but one of us should be there, for the same reason someone should be at Warriors for Roy's wake."

Connor nodded. "Wise, Mia. We'll need to swing by Star City, Kyle, if we're going to those..." He could hardly believe those words had come out of his mouth, he didn't like clubs any better now than he had when Roy... he shook his head slightly, tossing away the memory.

"Then let's go and be gone before Ollie gets home…I think he really needs some privacy now." Kyle had hated admitting that some people truly needed to grieve alone, but Ollie had pushed everyone away clearly in the days since the dual deaths.

`~`~`~`~`

Kyle held the door open as Mia went in first, taking advantage of getting her ahead of them to squeeze Connor's hand when he came past. They had overnighted in New York, as the wake had been…cathartic in some ways. The two men entered, and noticed the suitcases set by the base of the stairs. Two were adult sized luggage; two were sized to Lian in bright colors. From the kitchen came the low voice of Ollie, speaking to someone else in unhurried, precise words.

"…glad you decided to. It's keeping me going, to have the two of you here to look after."

Kyle turned to look at Connor, checking on him as he studied the bags. //Nightwing's going to stay here in Star? What's he going to do about... everything?// 

Another low voice, not the one Kyle'd heard every-so-often for most of his life as a hero, flattened and rough. "Can't face going back... not yet. Thanks for the offer."

"Take as long as you need." The answer to those words was laden with understanding, and Connor arched one eyebrow. He had never had reason to think his father would reach out to Roy's…. He reacted to his own acknowledgment of just how close the two had been by moving back to Kyle, his hand stroking through the black hair lightly.

Mia watched them, trying to decide if she should continue into the kitchen. She opted for that, thinking it was only polite, and entered to see a vaguely familiar man sitting with her guardian.

"Umm…hi…we're all back," she told Ollie, peering discreetly at the grief ravaged younger man. //So that's what he looks like under the mask…//

Dick looked up at her, studying the girl that had taken up his lover's mantle, and nodded at her. "Morning..." his voice trailed upward a little, unwilling to call her by her costume name--there was only one Sp-- He bit down on his lip and turned a little away, looking out the window. 

Kyle leaned into the touch, listening to the voices from the kitchen, asking Connor with the tilt of his head if he thought they should go in. Connor nodded slowly, guiding Kyle in, separating in deference to Dick's loss.

"Mia." The blonde quirked her head at him. "What should I call you?" Not what his name was, in case he wanted to be anonymous in the house. Ollie kept quiet for now, sipping at his tea. The beard and mustache were back as a full day's growth, and his hair looked as if it had not been combed, but Mia was glad to see him up at least.

Dick looked back at her, and pulled up the manners enough to flash something like a smile at her as he extended his hand, "Dick Grayson, Mia. Hi, Kyle, Connor." 

Kyle's eyes widened. //Dick Grayson... Bruce Wayne's adopted son... of course. God, I'm an idiot. Should've picked up on this yesterday, but...// He hadn't been willing to look at Nightwing without the mask, old habits dying too hard. Now, though, it was in his face that the pieces had always been there for him to pick up on.

"Hello, Dick. Welcome." Connor moved by his brother's soul mate, laying a hand on his shoulder. "I second my father's invitation for you to stay."

"Me too." Mia recognized the name from various celebrity magazines, and her eyes widened, but she kept it out of her voice. //Bunch of rich men and rich kids running together.// "I need to go lay down, Ollie. See ya boys later." She nodded to Dick, hugged Kyle in passing, and tried hard to ignore the dark shadows in Ollie's eyes as he watched her go.

Dick flinched out from under Connor's hand, even as he looked up at him. "Thanks, Connor. I appreciate it." 

Kyle kept the startled look out of his eyes, but the sight of Nightwing actively pulling away from human contact was just wrong. He'd wrapped his arm around Mia almost instinctively, then let her go.

"You two boys go on and find something to do, will ya?" Ollie asked in a lighter voice than he had used since they had heard about Roy.

"Yes, Dad." Connor nodded and led Kyle back out and down into the basement, shaken beyond belief.

Kyle followed him down, taking a deep, slow breath and shaking his head. He laid his hand at the small of his back. "Talk to me," he urged, seeing the distress in him easily.

"Dick…Nightwing…never shrugs away a touch," Connor mentioned softly, turning into Kyle's arms. "I see myself in him, were I to lose you, now that we have each other," he admitted.

Kyle pulled him closer, hand running down his back. "Yeah, I know..." Then his hands tightened hard on Connor's back, //You are not leaving me!!// "It's... so wrong to see him so still..."

Connor nodded. "I love you, Kyle…don't ever doubt that."

"I don't," Kyle told him, keeping him tight against his body. "I'm worried, Connor. Really worried..."

"I am as well."

`~`~`~`~`

Dick tilted his head slightly as the phone in his coat pocket started to ring, and he carefully slid out from under Lian's head, leaving the movie playing as he went to answer it.

"Dick?" It was Tim, quiet, on the other end.

"Hey, little bro." A trace of guilt hit him--he should have called.

"Just wondering where you were," his little brother said. "Gonna go back to the cabin?"

"No.… Staying in Star for a while. Lian can use the extra support... Thanks for reminding me. I need to call Jade and tell her to take over the team." //What's left of it..//

"What team?" Tim's voice was grim. "Grace went back to her bar job, Star is at the Tower, Shift is…not well, and Indigo vanished."

"That works too," Dick said, voice calm. There was something appropriate in that. "And she'll probably be staying close to the JSA anyway. Good enough."

"If you or Lian need anything, Dick…Kon and I are there for you." It came out rather fast, as Tim was far more worried than he cared to admit.

"I know, Tim. I'm...okay, though." Barring that he hadn't slept in…a while and didn't think he would anytime soon, and that there was nothing but emptiness in him except when he was around Lian…he was fine. And actually, the emptiness wasn't such a bad thing.

"Alright." Tim took a deep breath. "Later, Dick."

"Later, Tim." he hung up and headed back for the living room... then froze as the basement door opened and Connor and Mia both slipped inside. He could see a graze along her cheek and the way she moved, quick and up on her toes, //Still riding the high...// The emptiness receded as black fire wrapped through his throat and chest, unable to speak.

Both Arrows noted the reaction, and quickly passed through with bare nods his way. After they had stolen upstairs, Ollie came down, looking tense. He took in Lian asleep on the couch, then noted Dick…and it made him hesitate.

Dick's eyes had settled on him the moment he came into view--he didn't move that silently, not like Bruce…and again, anger pulsed in him at the very thought of the man. The hesitation drew his attention, and he moved closer, tilting his head in inquiry as he tried to swallow away the pain in his throat.

Ollie could see the pain, and it pulled him to move to Dick, made him hold one arm open, hesitating enough to show he was not sure, but that he wanted to somehow give Dick solace. His own eyes were red-rimmed, his clothing rumpled from the impossible pursuit of sleep, but right now, Dick was the one he saw as more in need of comfort.

Dick's lips skinned back from his teeth as the first emotion to hit was white-hot rage at the offer when Ollie'd shoved Roy away so many times, but the man's hurting eyes also tugged at him and he crossed the rest of the distance to shove himself up against the older man's body, shuddering slightly as his hands caught in the fabric of the shirt and sense-memories blurred into another solid chest and comforting hands when his world was ripped apart.

"Easy, son." Ollie held him strongly, running one hand up into the dark hair, other around Dick's waist with the pressure of a concerned friend. "I've got you. I can't atone for what I did to him, but I'll be damned if I will fail the man my boy loved." His voice was gruff with both the love he felt toward his fallen son, his own grief, and the sheer weight of need they both had for this closeness.

He shuddered more violently, locking one leg completely to stay standing as he fought to just keep breathing, choking out, "She's still riding the high..." in explanation for what had set him off, memories swirling and slamming through his mind of everything that had meant when it was his Speedy coming in wild and energized from the night...

Ollie nodded, leaning his brow down on Dick's shoulder. "Yeah…I've got to figure out something, get them out of sight of Lian and you and me. It just…rips me raw, and I don't want Lian seeing that mess while you stay here."

Dick nodded once, almost violently, and used that as a focus to start coming back again, settling down and easing his grip, though he didn't pull away while Ollie's head was against his shoulder. "Let me at your blueprints?" he asked once he'd managed to get control. "I'm not a bad hand with that kind of thing."

"Only if you want to, kid." Ollie slowly straightened. "The house could actually be divided…new access put in under the other half…I think." He moved away to go find the extensive prints he had commissioned when he legally acquired the house.

"It's something to do," Dick replied with a shrug, nodding as Ollie spoke. Didn't sound like a bad idea, kept them both close without shoving the hero half of their lives into he and Ollie's faces... and that was the moment he realized he was never putting on the suit again.

"Needs to be done. Connor is fully able to do the job now, and Mia…" Ollie shuddered as he came back with the blue prints and the wiring schematics. "Anyway, here we go." He sat on the floor, laying the prints out on the coffee table and speaking softly for Lian's sake.

Dick settled down near him, even within an easy hands reach as he studied the placement of the support columns and the overall layout, tracing the easiest places to re-route things. "Hm…think Connor can get Kyle to help? Easier if he does the heavy lifting."

"I'm sure he will." Ollie wound up leaning over Dick's shoulder, tracing out the likely points to reinforce the supports, where they would have to seal the basement and its tunnels to reroute away from the main side of the house. It gave him something solid to focus on, something to do that did not involve too many memories.

Dick caught himself leaning back against the warmth beside/behind him--and pulled away again as they figured it out. "Sorry."

Ollie hesitated again, then looped an arm around Dick's waist and pulled gently. He had seen the rejection of Connor's touch, but if the kid would let him…he would offer the one thing Roy had deemed as necessary to Dick as air. "It's okay. Really…if you'll let me…"

Dick took a sudden, sharp breath and went with the pull, pressing into the contact with a shiver of relief. He hadn't let anyone touch him since Tim made him cry, other than a few minutes ago...and Ollie was safe, was hurting just as much and probably needed it as much as he did, hadn't been involved with any of it. This was okay, if it helped him. He settled in, just breathing with the feel of Ollie's body against his back and side.

The ex-archer settled so that it was comfortable for both of them, staring blankly at the television for a few minutes before glancing at Lian. When he felt tears coming, because he could see the traces of Roy in her face, especially like that, asleep but not quite at peace, he turned away and leaned his head toward Dick's, just resting for a minute. His eyes closed slowly, as the weight of everything he could not share with anyone, except J'onn, who was far too busy, and be understood, came to rest on his shoulders, and he slowly realized that Dick could, that Dick shared the burden.

The younger man settled back against him more firmly at the feeling of Ollie's breathing changing, catching.... "I'm here," he said quietly. It was so much easier to hold together when he had someone to be strong for.

"S'posed to be my line," Ollie said, in weak protest, but the tears trickled down his cheeks as he squeezed Dick's waist. "Thank you for staying, Dick." He could not fully explain it, but knowing Dick shared the loss of Roy, did make living moment to moment easier.

"Nowhere else to be…and you lost more than I did." He turned, straightening some to pull Ollie closer, offering his comfort. "I'm here."

Ollie shook his head, but he did tighten his hold on Dick. "You and Roy should have had a future, at least." The black pit was right there, threatening to pull him in, remembering that Dinah was not his, had not been for some time. His eyes screwed tightly shut, forbidding those tears to fall, locking that pain deep within. "You know he loved you, had loved you since you both were boys."

"Yeah..." his voice tried to break on the agreement. "No matter what stupid shit I pulled, he never gave up on me..." 

"No." Ollie shook his head. "Cuss you up one side and down the other, but he'd just pace through it until you got your head on right and came back to him." The blond gave a weak laugh. "Learned more Dineh listening to him curse at you then any other way."

"Picked some up that way too," Dick said weakly, shaking his head as Ollie's voice tried to pull the grief out of him again, fighting it with everything he had.

Ollie grew serious then, his breath cutting a harsh sigh. "Dick…you're the only damn person in the world who both understands and knew him…if you can be my leaning wall, you damn sure have to let me be yours."

"I... if I do, I'll be useless..." his head tossed from side to side as he struggled with it, "can't do that..."

"Not useless if we hold each other up," Ollie said sadly. "But…" He started to pull back, uncomfortably aware of Dick rejecting the comfort offered, knowing that the younger man had heard line and verse on his every stupidity, and feeling he was as much a failure in this as he had been in life to date.

Dick turned to look into green eyes so much like his lover's, seeing all the pain in them, and buried his head in Ollie's neck and shoulder, clinging on tightly as grief wracked through him.

Ollie held on to him tightly, pressing his face into the dark hair and letting his own tears fall. Soon he was shaking with his own pent up emotions, and the arms tightened a bit more, as he made sure this love of his son was safely held.

Dick found himself sobbing silently, wrapped tight in those strong arms, and with Lian safely asleep, he just let. go. lost in the pain again.

"Gotcha, kid. You got me, I got you, we both have Lian," Ollie managed to rumble out, in between the tears and the sobs. He kept reassuring Dick, stroking his back, his hair, but one arm stayed tight around him the whole time.

Dick's arms tightened hard as the words and the touch sent him deeper into the grief, keeping him in it... He never knew it when he finally wept himself to sleep, twisted around and locked against Ollie's body.

The older man never even thought of moving, keeping Dick there to his chest, Dick's head on his shoulder. Tears dried on both their faces, and Ollie found the strength to sleep, no matter how short a time, with the boy his son had loved held tight.

`~`~`~`~`

They settled into a pattern after that. Dick and Ollie made the plans for dividing the house to guard Lian, and themselves. Ollie would cook for everyone, and was out of his room as long as Lian was up. The fact he had found Dick in the gym on two separate occasions, working out to purge the emotions had led to two more nights of falling asleep sitting up, the young man in his arms for mutual comfort. After five days, when it became apparent Dick was starting to see Star City as a long-term possibility, Ollie finally buckled down and made the call he knew instinctively Dick would not.

The phone picked up on the second ring, and Ollie took a deep breath at the baritone greeting.

"He's safe, Bruce. I've got your boy here, and he's safe. I promise you."

The man on the other end of the line's eyes sharpened. "That... makes a certain amount of sense. ...How's he doing, Ollie?"

"How well do you think he's doing, Bruce? He just lost his soul, and wasn't allowed to pay the ferryman for Roy." Ollie's voice was rough. "But damn it to hell, I'm not going to fail him," he vowed fervently.

Bruce kept the remarks about that and Ollie's track record behind his teeth, gritted them harder at the implication in the earlier words, and nodded slowly. "Take care of him, Ollie. I can't."

"I know." Ollie's voice held a touch of regret at that. "Goodbye, Bruce." 

"Ollie."

"Be safe out there."

"Mm." The phone clicked off in Ollie's hand.

Ollie breathed a deep sigh of relief, and went to see if Lian was up from her nap yet; he had promised Dick he would read with her when she got up.

`~`~`~`~`

Dick glanced at the clock, figured that Tim was probably in the Tower, and this late, they shouldn't be training… and dialed.

"Hey," Tim answered, the rush of wind on the phone making it clear Tim was sitting on the roof.

"Tim... need you to take care of the lair in my apartment, and the one in the city. Get Alfie to help you."

"What?" Tim sounded very worried now.

"Lease on the apartment's up in another couple of weeks, don't want someone stumbling across the access... and you might as well do it all at once. Though obviously the warehouse is the lower priority, got a couple months on it."

"You…." There was a deep breath. "Alright, Dick. I'll get it done." //We really did lose you when Roy died; damn it, Arsenal!//

"Enjoy the bike. Thanks, Tim."

"Dick…you can always come home, you know." He had to say, had to offer family back to his brother.

"No. I can't." The tone was laced with bitter rage and hurt, and very final. "Not now... maybe not ever. But I don't think Ollie'd mind a visitor too much, now and then." //Can't lose you too, baby bro.//

//So Ollie's house is your new nest? How long can you hide there?// "I'll see if Kon can get me down there, after everything settles down."

"Alright, bro. See you then." Then he frowned. "Wait a sec. What's going on?"

"Lex Luthor tried to brainwash my…tried to brainwash Kon." Tim had a vaguely smug sound to his voice. "Kon resisted. And led us straight to Indigo, who we took down before she hurt anyone…she was a Brainiac, and was fighting her programming too."

"Good for Kon," Dick approved. "Indigo couldn't have been easy to take... nice work."

"She's in containment now. Cyborg is trying to help her eradicate Brainiac's commands." //Maybe if I talk to him about this, maybe he'll see the good that comes with the job.// Tim's reasoning was a long shot, though, and he knew it.

"Long shot. They got Shift helping?"

"He's the reason she's fighting so hard to hang on." //One of them. None of us will handle it well if she fails and we watch another couple die.//

"Good." He sighed softly. "Take care of them, Robin." //Your turn now, little bro.//

//Damn.// "Got it covered, Dick." //Don't like it, but…could I go on without Kon?// "Take care of yourself."

"I'm okay, Tim. Got Lian to take care of."

"Right." Tim shook his head. "Good night, Dick."

"Night bro."

"Hey... you've been up here a while," came from behind him. "Everything okay?" That was Kon's voice, a little low. He still looked a little worse for wear, and the shock of the revelations had kind of upset a few people, but his blue eyes were warm and worried as he walked up.

Tim shook his head. "Dick's quitting," he said softly. "Giving it up."

"No way... shit. You're serious... He... he's the first of us all, he..." //He can't just... leave us...//

"Lian's the only reason he hasn't quit breathing," Tim slowly admitted.

"I... was hoping he'd get better.. but he's not, is he?" Kon laid his hands on Tim's shoulders, pulling him closer.

"Who's there to put his pieces back together?" Tim questioned. "Won't let me back in all the way, totally rejected Kory, got over Babs…"

Kon sighed and wrapped around his Robin protectively. "Guess you've got to break the news..."

"Not yet." Tim snuggled deep in that embrace. "Batman would do something stupid, and it would kill any chance of Dick coming back to us."

Kon sighed. "Prolly... I just meant downstairs."

Tim shook his head. "None of their damn business," he growled. "They let things get that bad in the first place, remember?"

"Nightwing's not Titans business? If you say so, man. Okay."

Tim sighed. "You want to see Dick get pissed off because Kory goes and tries to fix this?"

"Not really... but I could hang on to her... and pissed off would be better than the way he was..."

"No." Tim pulled back to his own space. "I'm not giving my brother something else to hide behind."

"Okay, man. You know best. Just gonna say now it's gonna come down on our heads when they realize we knew." He attempted to reclaim his Robin.

"I don't care. I'm his brother before I'm a Titan." Tim slowly moved into Kon's arms again, settling from his raw protectiveness.

Kon stroked his hair, keeping him close. "Okay. Your call."

Tim closed his eyes, and hoped somewhere deep inside that the boy he had worshipped found a way to fly again, trapped inside the husk Roy had left behind.

`~`~`~`~`

*hit* Breathe. *hit* Breathe. //knuckles hurt--don't care// Knee-kick-*hit*-breathe //it hurts--shut UP!// 

He didn't know how long he'd been at the bag. Didn't care, either. The sweat pouring down his back, into his eyes like stinging tears and falling as he moved said it had been a while, though. Middle of the night was good for this, after Connor and Mia were back and out of his way, the lower gym was all his and he could beat the sand out of the punching bags instead of drowning in the pain... 

Or the rage. 

He hated how angry he was, which only made him madder, but he couldn't stop... With Roy, with Dinah, GOD with Slade, with Bruce... the anger that'd been boiling and building for days whipsawed between all of them, never knowing when it would coil and strike him again. The only people he didn't hate sometimes were Ollie, Lian, and Tim--because angry as he was with everyone else, he was angrier yet with himself. Angry over everything he'd ever done, over every time he'd left Roy, not been there, every nasty, cutting comment he'd ever made trying to push Roy away, when he should have been holding on so tight... 

His breath caught, broke and he nearly slipped as he spun and slammed a heel into the bag, fighting the //God, I'm Sorry// wail in his throat, trying to focus again... if he could just wear himself out, he might sleep...

He had not heard Ollie come in, had not noticed when the ex-archer chose to stand just out of the field of vision, watching him, knowing some of what Dick had to be feeling, but not sure if he should step in or not, with the level of violence in this particular lashing out.

//God. Damnit.// The focus wasn't coming, the slip had triggered all of the rage and the next punch was a bad one, wrongness ricocheting up his arm as he made himself re-center enough not to throw another bad strike.

//How the fuck could you leave me? Why did you take him from me, you had to have known!? What were you thinking, getting him to get me?// the thoughts lashed through his head erratically, bristling with anger that telegraphed itself through his body with no-one there to see....

It was too much for Ollie, and he moved, moved into the fighting space, moved to where Dick had to see him, ready to defend himself, but wanting only to stop him from getting hurt.

The movement caught his attention and he twisted, tracking the target before he realized who it was and just nodded once, admitting that he knew he was there before he buried a foot deep in the bag, attention focusing back on his moves.

"Dick...stop." Ollie's voice was low, rough with his worry, with the concern he held.

Dick shook his head once, hard, sweat tossing from the ends of his hair. //No, I can't... if I stop I can't keep it at bay...// 

"Dick!" Ollie moved making himself a target by the quickness of it. "You have to stop!"

The movement at speed overrode the voice and a knee snapped up, in across his body and the heel went out hard, into the center of Ollie's chest, even at the edge of his range before he could stop it, the rest of his body coiling for another attack.

Ollie followed through, hands coming up to brace against the next attack. "Need... to... stop..." He would not be the aggressor, would not spar when Dick was so obviously not focused, but he could not let Dick get injured in any way that Lian, sharp as she was, might notice.

The gentle tone, the waiting posture... those managed to get through and he twisted his body to stop that second attack before it could land, swearing at him in gutter Rom as his eyes blazed with everything he was feeling, chest heaving as he tried to breathe.

Ollie saw it, and turned one hand, palm up, and held that out to Dick, begging him with his eyes to take it. Dick had to fight himself to take that hand, every muscle down his spine and legs tensed. //Yes?//

Ollie gave the lightest pull, trying to give Dick the other kind of physical comfort. "Lian. You can't keep this up, because she'll see it on your skin."

Lips skinned back from his teeth as he snarled a few more choice profanities in Ollie's direction about that, blue eyes wild with fury as he braced against the pull, hand locking hard on Ollie's.

"Let me...you want to cuss someone out, I'm your man. If you can put up with a slow, old man, I'll even run with you. But look at your other hand."

He glanced down... and winced slightly. That was going to hurt in the morning... actually, it already hurt. //Deserve it...// He stretched it slowly, and managed to pull his voice back into English. "Couldn't keep up with me... and I just did."

Ollie nodded slowly and stepped slowly forward, every sense on Dick. "Talk to me."

"I've officially hit rage. Seem to have mostly skipped panic... but the guilt complex and I are getting along wonderfully." Sound of someone who'd been shoved through a few too many therapy sessions.

"No." Ollie shifted and moved the other hand into Dick's hair, closing the space, and touching his forehead to Dick's. "Talk. Don't tell me the clinical side of things; I know them. I feel them, just not...not like you do. He was my son, the man I was the proudest of, and the one I hurt the worst in my sorry life." Ollie took a slow breath. "Talk about the real stuff inside."

"I could kill him myself, for leaving me..." the whisper was more than half broken, "it's like I'm mad at the whole damn world..." 

"Yeah, know that part of it too damn well. Get so pissed, and then I remember I don't have the right to get angry." Ollie ran his hand down to the back of Dick's neck. "So much anger, though."

Dick nodded against the touch, other hand coming up to fasten on Ollie's shoulder, "I... If it'd been anyone else, I could deal, but.."

"It was Roy...your soul. And then the fact it was done by a man you had...a complicated history with, that's got to tear even more grief into it." Ollie's voice was gentle as he said it. 

Dick nodded fast and hard, shaking. "He... I just don't... I trusted him... I knew I shouldn't but I trusted him..." The words didn't carry half the self-hatred he felt for that fact, for every time he'd not put everything he had into stopping Slade, every time he hadn't listened... "And I'm so fucking angry with Dinah I can't breathe, it was my fight, my lover...--I'm sorry..." 

"Don't apologize for that...I'm more pissed off at her than anything else," Ollie growled softly, teetering on the brink of his abyss as he had to think of the beauty he had shared so much of his life //not enough of it// with. "I can't figure out how the man that I met in Vegas, who introduced himself as Jericho's father, could do that, could be so fucking evil as to kill his son's friend, to orphan a little girl, when he seemed to hold family so important!"

"Neither can I!" It was soft, quiet, helpless, and he shuddered in Ollie's hold as the other man's baffled words threw him something like a line. "I just... I can't make it make sense... feel like I must have been so blind--blind to everything else, why not that too?"

Ollie shifted his hold on Dick, pulling the younger man closer, stroking down his back soothingly. "We'll never get any damn answers, and that is another part of what hurts. I just..." Ollie bit off his words, then sighed. "I just wish I knew why. Why my boy had to die like that."

Dick leaned back into the touch with a soft whimper at Ollie's words, "I... my fault..." It'd been screaming in the back of his brain for days, but he still couldn't believe he'd said it out loud... 

"Kid, there's no way in hell I'll let you take the blame for this," Ollie said fiercely.

"It is... you don't know..." 

Ollie drew Dick down on the mats, settling him to his chest, legs protesting but letting him get Dick held just right. "Talk to me, then, let me know why you see it that way."

Dick wondered if he would lose this shelter too, when Ollie knew how he'd set his son up for this, but he couldn't deny the words, "I said I was out, after.. after Donna, that I couldn't do it again--should've stuck to it!" low, bitterly savage hiss. "He'd be okay if I had..." 

The older man made a low sound in his throat. "Roy needed a team, needed the feel of others going into battle with him," he pointed out. "If you had stayed out, he still would have been trying to do just what he was, don't you think?"

"It wouldn't have been one Bruce was bankrolling, if I'd made it damn clear there was no way..." 

Ollie froze, arms tightening on Dick. "Bruce?" The word was low, disbelieving...and very anguished. 

Dick nodded against his chest, curled tight into him. "Went to him to put the team together, knew Roy could talk me into anything, thought I'd be better if I... Manipulative son of a bitch couldn't just come talk to me? Had to use Roy to..." his voice choked off with the tears he was fighting. 

"Goddamnedsonofabitch...trusted him...hated the way he screwed with you, and then he goes and uses my own damn son?!" Ollie's voice was a low hiss, before he buried his face into Dick's dark hair, placing a kiss on he side of his head. "Damn it, Dick...I'm sorry, but this shit is not your fault!"

Dick jumped at the kiss, pressing tighter as Ollie got angry, "I didn't know who was funding it, didn't care enough for months to track it... I went postal when I found out, practically had a knock-down-drag-out with Roy and went to scream at Bruce, especially after Roy told me he'd been feeding us mission intel..." He shuddered, swallowed, clung to Ollie's shoulders harder as he whispered, "but that wasn't Bruce..." 

"Wasn't Bruce?" Ollie was trying to understand, even as his rage simmered at what Bruce had done, not just for the fact he had buried his son, but because the bastard had felt it necessary to be so manipulative of Dick. People could say what they liked about his own piss poor fathering skills, but every step he had made wrong with Roy had been in front of the boy's face.

"I got down to the Cave, started in on Bruce... and he told me he hadn't seen Roy since he funded the team... not in over a year..." 

"Oh god." To think that his son had been played so viciously, a shadow puppet without even knowing it for so long was devastating. "You confronted Roy...oh, fuck...he must have confronted..." Ollie's eyes closed at the idea Roy had not been prepared at all for Slade, that he had thought it was Bruce.

"I tried to hail him, he told me he was talking to Batman... So utterly my fault... if I'd waited til I got back, hadn't blown the play..." 

"Fuck." Ollie pressed his face to Dick's shoulder, clinging to the younger man, his body shaking as he started to envision just how that final fight had to have happened, how Roy would have struggled with every last ounce of will to find some way to over come a man rumored to be the best fighter, barring Richard Dragon.

"Then his comm went dead." The voice was utterly flat for those words. "Went as fast as I could... still too late..." 

"Not your fault," Ollie said, his voice hitching hard. "Not your fault, and Roy would not want this! He would kick your ever loving ass for trying to pull the blame off of the man who did kill him." His fingertips dug into Dick's skin, he was holding him so strongly. "Trust me on that, Dick."

"But..." //It is my fault, he was only there for me, trusted Slade-as-Bruce because of me, I...//

"No." Ollie caught Dick's chin, turned his face so they could look eye to eye. "Whatever shadow-play Slade was making...he would have found a way to do it, your involvement or not. I know that much about the man." He shook his head slowly. "You want to feel guilt for not being more in Roy's life, I'll let you. God knows, I share it! But...you don't get to take this on your shoulders."

Dick closed his eyes, head dropped against the grip on his chin, shudders running through him as Ollie denied his guilt, "Feels like my fault..." 

"Might feel like it, but it's not." Ollie got himself firmly under control. "Roy would hate you carrying that burden while you raise his little girl for him."

Dick shuddered, entire body tightening. "Oh, fuck, you're right... He would..." 

Ollie nodded slowly. "So you have to let it go." The blond ran his hand over Dick's hair lightly. 

"Not that easy..." he whispered, "know that already..." 

"God, don't I know it." He shuddered all over. "So much ugliness in my head."

Dick twisted to sit up, opening his eyes to look at Ollie, hand stroking his shoulder, pulling himself together, "So talk to me," he coaxed. 

"No. Not tonight," Ollie said, dropping his shadowed eyes from those blue ones that knew too much pain. "Not yet."

"Let me help, Ollie..." Dick was almost begging, wanting to give back... the older man's words were going to help, even if he already knew there would be times he didn't believe it...

Ollie leaned his head back, a single tear coursing his cheek. "I need to," he admitted. "But I can't just yet...not after what you told me about Bruce."

Dick reached up, hand on his shoulder running higher, up into his hair, and he nodded slowly. "All right. Just don't you forget I'm here, all right?" he pressed close, repeating that with his body, weird as it was to be like this with Roy's dad, it was nice to have someone that understood how he reacted, was willing to let him...

Ollie nodded, taking a deep breath. "I can't talk to anyone else. And you...you are the one I have the most to share with, now. Because of Roy, because of all I ever did wrong or right in his life."

"God, I know that one..." soft sob against his throat as that side of the pain slammed back to life. 

Ollie made a softer noise, feeling Dick's pain in the voice, in his body, and gently pressed a kiss to the young man's temple. He was well aware of how much Dick needed physical closeness, and if it did bother him on one level, on another, he saw it as the only way to make sure they stayed tied together, to save each other. Dick jerked back, staring at him in confused shock, but still pressed into the hold. 

Ollie relaxed his hold, realizing he had pushed past the comfort zone. "Sorry...just..."

Dick relaxed at the tone, more than the words, and shrugged it off. "It's okay." The shock had knocked him out of the grief and back into a still, almost stunned state. "Oh, god, my hands hurt..." he finally realized. 

Ollie caught one of the hands, looked it over, and shook his head. "Let me get the kit." He started to untangle himself from Dick so he could rise.

Dick nodded and slid free, "Yeah. And ice, later..." //Thank you for shocking me...// weird as hell thought to have. //but I've got it, now...// 

Ollie got the kit and came back, taking care of Dick's hands with a sure touch. Dick settled under the touch, hands aching as he flexed them. 

"How's your legs?" Ollie caught his eyes. "Need the rub for them?"

"Mm... yeah, probably smart." He hadn't even noticed. "...How long were you watching?" 

"Too long. Shoulda stopped you sooner." Ollie found the rub he had first introduced Roy to, a compound he had found early on, and his hand shook as he handed it over.

"Not real likely to have listened," Dick said as he found somewhere to drop and work on his legs. "Hate to think how bad my form must have been getting." 

Ollie turned away, walking over to the bag, looking for damage to it. "Yeah, well."

"'Least I stopped before I broke that one?" Dick said, tone almost wry as he hissed as he worked the rub in. 

"This is true," Ollie said, with a low chuckle. He finally came back over, and knelt, just outside of Dick's reach. "Kid...if I mess up, you have to tell me. I'm bad for not thinking things through...and you hurting is..." His eyes were haunted as he tried to apologize.

Dick shook his head. "It's okay, Ollie. Don't worry about it." //Is... what?// he wouldn't ask, couldn't ask. 

"I do." Ollie looked down in shame. "Promised Roy, long time ago, if anything happened... I'd make sure to keep an eye on you."

Dick leaned, slick hand sliding on the side of his throat. "I'm not worried about it, Ollie. Just a touch, you didn't mean anything by it. It's fine--we're fine." 

Ollie nodded, shivering slightly even as he pressed into the touch. "Gonna be able to walk up?"

"Yeah. Didn't do myself that much damage." He pulled his hand back, seeing the strength of the reactions worriedly. //What's going on that you're not telling me?// he noted it for later, eyes dark as he finished working the rub into his legs, watching Ollie. 

The blond started putting the kit back together, making himself work, making himself move away from the betrayal he felt, that Bruce had done this to him. He could not believe that his boy might ultimately be alive, if it had not been for the interference of the man he had.... A ruthless shake of his head forced those thoughts away.

"Ollie?" the word was soft as Dick moved to stand at his back, hand on his shoulder. 

Ollie flinched violently, then pressed back. "Sorry, kid...too many thoughts about the past."

Dick hugged him close, then pulled away slowly. "When you're ready to talk, you know where I am..." 

"Yeah." Ollie tried hard not to follow the touch. "I'll go on up, if you promise no more abusing our stuff."

"I was going to head up, too," Dick said. //Stay down here, I'll do something stupid...//

"Sounds good. Want a cup of tea?" Ollie led the way up.

"Sure. Might as well." //Not going to sleep anyway.//

`~`~`~`~` 

 

Ollie finished tucking Lian in for the night, and headed back into the hall. He paused, seeing Dick there, standing outside the room he had made Connor pad lock shut, one hand resting on the door. It made Ollie's heart go cold, and he started to turn the other way. A soft sigh preceded him going down to Dick, stepping behind him, placing a light hand on Dick's shoulder.

Dick leaned back into the touch, eyes closing. Even he wasn't sure what had drawn him to this doorway like a magnet, when he couldn't even stand the thought of putting a foot in New York... And he really hadn't meant for Ollie to see him here. 

"Made Connor lock it, so no one could ... just to keep it safe," he whispered.

Dick nodded. "Yeah..."

"Maybe one day..." Ollie pressed his forehead to the back of Dick's neck.

"Hm?" Dick pressed back into the touch, shoulders back against Ollie's chest, wondering what he was thinking. 

"Maybe one day I'll be able to deal with it." Ollie ran his hands down over Dick's shoulders.

Dick nodded slowly, "Maybe... I don't even know why I'm standing here..."

The older man ran a hand up Dick's arm to the hand still on the door. He laid his hand over Dick's, fingers lacing lightly. "Probably means he's thinking about you right now."

Dick turned his head to look back over his shoulder, "You think?"

"Yeah."

"Here's hoping he's not cussing me out again..." 

Ollie chuckled. "That would be me he's cussing."

//Nothing new about that...// "Maybe so... I... miss him." //So much it hurts to breathe, stupid and clichéd as that saying is, it's true...// 

"We both do."

Dick nodded again, slowly, trying to make himself pull away from the door and keep on going. 

"Come on, Dick...I've got an old home movie we can reminisce over."

Dick closed his eyes, then nodded, "All right. Sounds good..." //Sounds like hell, but better than just standing here...//

"Alright." Ollie gently pulled him along, finding the tape of Speedy getting ready to go to the Titans for the first time.

"Aw, man... he looks so young..." Dick swallowed hard, perched back away from Ollie. 

"You all were, and he was so... excited. Didn't want you guys to think he was uncool."

Dick rolled his eyes. "Idiot... like he didn't have cool in spades?"

Ollie laughed. "That's my boy. The cool kat on the block."

"Oh yeah... even in those damn pink sunglasses..." 

Ollie roared with laughter then, and Dick couldn't help smiling. 

They settled in, listening to Speedy alternate between fussing about the camera and what he wanted to do... and how he couldn't wait to see Robin again. Dick curled in on himself at that, closing his eyes.

Ollie reached over and pulled him close, holding onto him loosely. "You made my boy glow."

Dick curled into him when Ollie reached out, having almost gotten used to this over the last couple of weeks... Ollie was nearly as physically oriented as he was, didn't pull away or go rigid when he touched him... 

The video came to an end with Speedy tilting his hat a bit more and climbing into the ArrowPlane.

"Copycat," Dick said softly, mainly because it was kind-of expected...

"Yeah yeah," Ollie said, just as soft. Dick just leaned against him, eyes closed, when Ollie didn't argue. 

Ollie settled them a little better, closing his own eyes and cutting the TV off.

"I... thanks for showing me that."

Ollie just nodded. "There are others, but that one has been pulling me to watch again." //Back when he was happy with me...// 

Dick sighed softly, nodding. "When you get the urge to watch another... let me know. Guess I ought to move, huh?"

"No... unless you have to." Ollie kept his arms loosely on him. "I'm comfortable. You?"

"Okay, then." 

Ollie just stroked his hair lightly, lulling himself to rest, if not sleep.

*~*~*~ 

Bruce sighed softly, trying--and failing--not to worry over his son. It had been rather obvious when Tim came back from the Haven riding Nightwing's customized bike that Dick didn't intend to come back any time soon. Learning that Alfred had returned with the rest of his equipment and stored it away had made it even more plain... He wondered what Dick was doing with himself, but his one attempt to talk to Dick himself had ended... badly. 

He felt, more than heard, as Barbara rolled up behind him. "Bruce?"

"Yes, Babs?" She'd come back to Gotham for Dinah's funeral... and simply had never left. She was staying with Jim, and running as Oracle from a secure link out of the Cave... for now. He wasn't sure how long that would last, however. 

"He's got to heal, Bruce..." She reached out to take his hand.

He let her take his hand, turning to look at her. "I know. That doesn't..." //Help.// 

"I know. It's not what you need..."

Bruce nodded slightly, hand still caught in hers. "I understand the anger... but I'm concerned. Ollie is... well. Ollie." 

Barbara nodded. "A flake, emotionally retarded, a playboy...shall I go on?"

"No, that covers it nicely." 

"Line and verse from ...from her."

Bruce turned to rest his other hand on her shoulder, knowing very well how much it hurt her to mention the woman she'd loved. "She would know." 

Barbara sighed softly. "I wish he'd come home, but, I think there's just too much pain."

"I... do too." 

Green eyes were hurting, but she would not give way to it. "All we can do is give him time."

He nodded slowly and dropped down beside her again, hand sliding to cup her face. "If we have it..." She'd nearly left all over again at the revelation of his monitoring program (the fight had terrified the bats), but she'd been convincing, and between them they'd shut it down again. Some of the things in the code... they were still going through and sorting out. Not all of that programming was his... not by a long shot. 

She brought her hand to his, covering it as she fawned into his touch. "We will make things right. Find out what's moving that we can't quite see."

Bruce nodded, hand against her skin gently. "Yes, we will." He watched her move into the touch and worried for her, staying there. 

"Is this wrong?" she asked him softly. Her eyes met his, as she questioned the way comfort had drawn them into one another's lives again, as equals in a complex need for someone to share the pain with. It was not love, not quite, and yet, it was not without its moments of strong feeling.

"No, Babs. It's not." //Despite what some might think.// He cared for her, deeply, and much as he disliked admitting it about himself, they both needed the comfort. She probably more than he, but... 

She let out a long deep sigh. "I just wish...I wish he had not pushed Kor'iander away. He needs someone."

Bruce nodded slowly, hand stroking her face. "Nothing we can do about it, though." The twist of his lips said precisely how well that set. 

She clenched her eyes shut, a long moment, then focused. "We have work to do," she said clearly.

"You're right." He pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead as he stood to move towards the computers with her. 

`~`~`~`~` 

Raven intercepted Tim in the hall as he was coming in. "Robin...I think we need answers. It's four weeks since we lost Arsenal. Tell me, have we lost Nightwing?"

Tim closed his eyes behind the mask, then re-opened them to look at Raven, and nodded once. "Yes. He's not coming back." 

"The others need to know...but you might want to let me tell Kory."

"Please tell Kory," Robin replied, not wanting to deal with that, then nodded. "I guess you're right. I'll... deal with it." He went to find Bart. 

Raven turned on her heel to go find her sister in arms, to take her somewhere private and speak to her.

Bart focused, stopped reading the latest books, as he realized Tim was looking for him. He came to as close to a full stop as he could, watching his leader carefully. "What is it?"

"Round everyone up for me, in the den." 

"On it." A bright yellow streak was the lasting after image as Bart moved off.

Tim nodded and headed down, calling Kon's name as he did... and Kon was at his side before he managed to reach the den. "Yeah?" 

"Out of time. Raven's telling Kory." 

"Oh, shit." 

"I'll tell everyone...and repeat that going to him as a hero is a bad idea. Maybe just as friends..."

Vic walked in on the tail end of those words, his eye troubled. "Robin... trouble?" 

Cassie wasn't far behind him, and settled onto the edge of a couch, watching them. Beast Boy came in not long after, followed by Speedy and Kid Flash, with the former eying Robin suspiciously. She never mentioned Dick living in her home, always sticking to the secret identities' rules.

Tim waited until everyone settled, glancing from face to face, "Nightwing's not coming back. He's out." 

Vic's shoulders tensed and his hand flexed into a tight fist, //Damnit, Dick!// 

"What?" Cassie was stunned enough to actually say what everyone was thinking. 

Speedy gave him just the slightest nod, knowing how hard this had to be. She and Connor and Kyle had talked over both men's decisions several nights on patrol. 

"That can't be; he always comes back," Beast Boy said, looking lost and small. 

"Holy shit," Bart whispered without thinking about it.

"Not this time, Gar. He's out. And nobody is going to go try and drag him back. Not as a hero, anyway. You older ones want to go as his friends... I can't stop you. But he wants out." He was consciously pulling some of Dick's command-mannerisms, knowing the elder Titans were conditioned to listen to them, to certain pitches and postures... 

Cassie looked just as lost as Gar did, more even, "Why?" 

Kon bit his lip on the answer, not wanting to spill Dick's secrets. Beast Boy looked at her, tears in his eyes. "Robin and Speedy. Nightwing and Arsenal." 

"Yeah...no matter who they dated, they were a pair," Vic replied softly. "We all knew it, even if they never threw it out."

"Oh.." her fingers covered her lips as she closed her eyes. "That... no wonder..." 

Robin's head snapped up as he heard an unearthly... scream? keen? wail? start to ring through the Tower, out over the grounds... //Now Kory knows...// 

Kon winced, fingers pressed against his ear, "Oww..."

Vic and Gar exchanged a look, and then rose as one. "We'll go help calm her," Vic managed to say, resting a hand on Gar's shoulder as they moved out. 

Kid Flash hunched in on himself. "Doesn't he see he's letting that bastard hurt so many more people by quitting?"

"Watch it, KF," Robin snapped, face hard under the lines of the mask. 

Bart snapped into a rigidly angry posture. "It's the truth, Robin!"

"You haven't seen him. There's nothing of Nightwing left to come back--and I don't want what is left anywhere near a battlefield."

Kid Flash tried to fight that one off with more logic, but something in Kon's eyes stopped him. "Alright, man."

"Maybe in a year or two, he'll get himself back together enough to be someone I'd trust at my back, but until then... everyone needs to leave him alone and let him raise Lian." It felt disloyal to say, but it was true. 

"We'll do that," Cassie said, still very shaken. 

"Here's hoping," Mia responded softly.

Tim nodded.. and smiled slowly at Mia. "You hanging in?" His hand settled against Kon's waist. 

She looked nervously at the other Titans, unsure who knew what. "There is a Green Arrow; there has to be a Speedy."

"Yeah. I know. Good enough. That's it, guys."

 

`~`~`~`~` 

The very insistent knocking on the front door was loud, fast, and utterly obnoxious. Dick was the only one home currently, with Lian asleep. Ollie had promised to be home soon, tied up downtown on business as he researched what he needed to do to get more involved in civic affairs.

Dick swore and went to answer the door, //You wake my girl and I swear to god, whoever you are...// 

As the door swung open, he saw Wally standing there, visibly mad and ready to spill his mind on it.

Dick stepped out the door and shut it. "C'mon around back, Wally." 

"Fine." He pointedly stayed at Dick's speed.

Dick stepped up onto the back deck and leaned against the railing, "Yeah?" 

"Whatthefuckdoyou...think you are doing?!"

"At the moment? Listening to you yelling at me. Once you leave? Raising Lian." 

Wally almost gnashed his teeth at that calmness. "You fucking can't quit! This is that archer's fucking idea! He fucking quit and told you it would be a good idea, right?!"

"No, Wally. Ollie had nothing to do with me choosing to hang it up... and yes, I can. I have." 

"No, damn it! WE NEED YOU!"

"No, you don't, Fleetfeet," Dick's voice was gentle. "The last thing you need is me anywhere near a battlefield." 

Wally's shoulders shook as he leaned out over the railing, not understanding. "What the fuck, Robbie? You... You're the leader!"

"I can't, Wally... I just... can't do it anymore--oh, I could go through the motions, maybe, but... it takes more than that, and I haven't got it to give. And I promised Roy I'd take care of Lian if anything happened to him... I'm not going to orphan that little girl again." 

Wally turned back to him. "Then leave her to Ollie. He already quit! We can help you get back in the game!"

Dick caught his jaw, and made Wally look into his eyes as he let the grief and loss and emptiness build up in his eyes until he couldn't breathe with the strength of it. "No, Wally." 

Wally looked honestly confused. "Dick...man, you belong out there...it's in your blood. Come join the League if Titans is not your thing now. Just come back!"

"Wally... Lian's all I've got left of him. I'm not leaving her. ...I can't, Wally. I told Roy I was out of the team thing when Donna died--and if I'd stuck to that he might still be alive. No."

"All that's left of him? You talk like..." Wally's eyes went wide as realization finally hit. "Ohmygod!"

"About time, Fleetfeet," Dick said softly. "Few years slow on the uptake, though."

"You and SPEEDY!" Wally's face turned red. "Damn...I thought for sure he was straight."

Dick shook his head. "The word's bisexual, Wally. And yeah, me and Speedy." 

The next instant Wally was laying a hand on the other man's shoulder. "Sorry...sorry I laid into you, sorry you lost him..."

Dick curled against him, shaking. "See why I can't? He was my partner, Wally... I can't put the suit back on I buried him in, and I can't do this without him at my back..." 

Wally nodded slowly. "Won't ever hear a word on it from me again," he promised, squeezing that shoulder. "But I am still your friend."

"Thanks, Wally... I... appreciate it. You... take care of yourself, alright? I'm really fucking tired of funerals." 

"Got you, Dick." Wally threw his arms around his long time friend. "You don't get lost, okay?"

"I'm still breathing, Wally. Roy saddled me with about another decade and a half, I'll be around."

Wally let go and nodded. "See ya man." He blurred away in a streak, so Dick did not have to say any farewells. 

Dick went to head back inside and check on Lian, aching from what he'd had to do to back Wally off him. 

Lian was asleep, traces of tears on her cheeks, the Arsenal and Speedy plushies hugged tight to her little chest. He sank down beside the bed, leaning against it with his eyes closed, arms wrapped around his knees. 

It was almost twenty minutes later when Ollie came in, crossing the floor quietly to kiss Lian's forehead. He then sank down beside Dick, looking at him in concern.

Dick opened his eyes, darkness still in them. "How'd it go?"

"Red tape. Issues over who I am. The usual." Ollie cocked his head a bit. "You look like hell."

"Thanks," Dick shot him a sarcastic look. "C'mon, let's not wake Lian." 

Ollie struggled to his feet, then caught Dick's hand and pulled him up. Dick let Ollie lift him, and headed out of the room, going down to find a couch and curl up in the corner of it. 

Ollie detoured to the kitchen, making hot tea for both of them; he had found a blend that Dick seemed to like. He came back with two steaming mugs, and settled on the floor under where Dick was sitting.

"Apparently the Titans finally got it out of Robin or Speedy," Dick said after sipping at his tea for a little while. 

"Someone came by?"

"Wally." 

"Oh." It made perfect sense to Ollie, one of the remaining original Titans.

"Yeah. Trying to make me come back... Had to floor him to make him shut up." 

Ollie looked up, then took a sip of his tea. "Oh?"

"Mm-hm. He... somehow missed that Roy and I were together. We never shoved it in his face, and I always thought he just preferred to ignore it... but he really didn't know."

"He always was the straight one. Garth had his attempts to steal Arthur's women, you and Speedy..." Ollie smiled.

"And we all just didn't think about Donna's past," Dick nodded, agreeing with that. "Yeah... like I said, had to floor him. But he's going to leave it alone." 

"Good. Gave me ten kinds of hell for leaving Elite." Ollie leaned his head back on Dick's thigh.

"...He can be such a jackass, much as I love him..." Dick wasn't impressed.

"It's partly us older ones' faults. He tried so hard to fill Barry's shoes...we forgot to not push him."

Dick nodded, not arguing with that. "Needed a Flash," he shrugged, trying not to go off about the truth of that, that becoming League had done something to Wally that had and would probably never heal. 

"Didn't have to forget he was still a kid." Ollie sat forward again, finishing off his tea.

"Just looking for me to cuss you out?" 

"Kinda miss that," Ollie told him, turning to smile up at Dick. "Yeah, I know I gave you plenty of reason to bitch me out. No surprise there...Ollie, world's biggest screw up, " he admitted.

"Mm..." Dick though about arguing that, then let it go with "Well, you do have more practice..." 

Ollie nodded. "Yeah, well, I made up for it, cussing at Bruce and Arthur," he said.

Dick tilted his head, "Yeah? Why?"

"Because...once upon a time, I did pay attention, and Roy would bitch about the way both you boys were handling their stupidity...and I'd get pissed." He gave a rueful shake of his head. "Just wish I'd paid more attention to what I was doing, rather than being sanctimonious."

Dick's eyes flashed with blue fire, "Yeah, that woulda been nice... but then, if I'd just stayed in touch with him when we split the first time..."

Ollie broke down almost instantly, the cup falling from his numb hand and bouncing on the plush carpet as he buried his face in his hands, shoulders shaking with regret and self-hatred mixed into the grief. Dick slid down instantly, curling around his back and side as he pulled him tight. "Easy... easy..." whispered softly against his hair. 

"She didn't even know his name! And she was better to him than me!!! Who had been taking...no, who had been around for three years already!" Anger and loss came through as Ollie struggled to deal with the pit of his mistakes and the raw black hole threatening to pull him in as he could no longer block the thoughts of his soulmate, lost to him forever.

Dick pulled him tight, stroking his hair, "We both left him when he needed us most..." 

Ollie dissolved into honest tears then, grieving for the boy he had betrayed, for the woman that had been their salvation, for lost futures.

Dick just held him tight, whispering in his first language, soft nothing-things and snatches of old lullabies. //That's right, Ollie... my turn to be the support... I'm here, I've got you...//

It took a while before Ollie was quiet. He was not asleep, but silent with the calm of a person standing in the middle of a thin bridge over an abyss. Dick didn't let go, but slowly went silent, keeping him held tight, one hand moving just a little. 

"Did Roy tell you why I failed her this time?" Ollie asked. "That I had an affair, the girl wound up dead... and I pushed Dinah away?"

"No... he didn't tell me," Dick said softly. "Trying to protect her?" 

"In my own way. And just coping with the fact I had failed her, again," Ollie whispered. "Never should have gotten in MidNite's way."

Dick shook his head. "You loved her. She loved you. It was worth trying... Not like I can say anything about bouncing between lovers," bitterness in his voice, "I was a fucking expert at it..." 

"My worst mistake was Hal, godammit."

"Yeah? Mine was... fuck, mine was Babs. He never minded Kory..." 

Ollie snorted. "No, he loved Kory in his own way." Ollie shook his head. "Babs was Batgirl?"

Dick winced, then nodded, "Yeah. Never could get over her, she'd call and I'd go... Or I'd try and start again, for some stupid reason..."

"Roy told me a lot about that...usually in a mixed run of languages and curses." Ollie closed his eyes slowly. "Hal and I were lovers...god, I think we started within weeks of me and Di...always thought I had it hidden. Should have known better."

Dick winced, "Bet he did..." He closed his eyes at what Ollie'd said, seeing all too clearly the world they'd lived in then, and at the same time, what it would have done to Dinah to know that... "Hell of a mess," he finally said. 

"Yeah." Ollie clenched his fists, remembering every stray look that had seemed out of place... until he had learned she knew about the affair. The fact she had said nothing...he had found the silence a worse accusation, he realized. "I always loved her, though!"

Dick nodded, "Just... torn..." he said softly, all too much understanding in his words. Ollie nodded silently, and Dick just stroked his shoulder. "Why the fuck did they ever put up with us?" 

"Hearts of gold," Ollie told him. "And the thrill of the fight got them both riled up..."

"God, did it ever..." aching longing in his voice for the way Roy would blaze after a good fight...

"She turned me away...only went on the date...to test herself I think." Ollie smiled ruefully. "Thank god, Riddler crashed...the fight had us both..." He chuckled softly. "A rocky new start, but oh damn, it was great!"

"He'd pick a fight with me just to get us going, knew I never could tell him no when he..." Dick's voice broke off, rather out of embarrassment or grief, even he wasn't sure. 

"Damn, it was good like that...no thinking, just...us!" Ollie closed his eyes, able to smell and feel her right there.

"Yeah," complete agreement and understanding in his voice. 

The older man shifted, slightly uncomfortable as memories pressed too strongly on him. Dick started to let go, feeling the unease in his body, twisted in knots himself, but not willing to abandon him. 

Ollie turned slowly, shifting away, but looking at Dick. "Thanks."

"How many times did you pack me to bed? Hold me? Bandage my hands? Least I can do... I told you. I'm here."

Ollie nodded sharply, making himself stand up. "Gonna head downstairs, son...got some shit to work out now."

"Want company?" 

Ollie's face was shadowed. "Might not be the best idea."

"Don't hurt yourself." His eyes flicked up at the ceiling, reminding him why. 

Ollie flinched, turning away. He whispered something so softly under his breath Dick could not catch it. "I won't," he said more clearly as he walked away.

Dick waited most of half an hour before he headed downstairs to check on him. He'd had to give him his space, but... too much space was a real bad thing, he knew that damn well. 

He found Ollie sitting in the middle of the mats, knees pulled up, arms locked around them, body still shaking from what Dick could see of his back. Nothing seemed to have been touched, and Dick did not smell sweat. //What the...?// He went to him, crouching close to his side, "Ollie?"

The older man started with a violent flinch, snapping back to the room they were in, away from the place his mind had gone.

"Hey," Dick said softly, making damn sure Ollie knew who and where he was before he even tried to touch him. 

"Told ya not to come," Ollie said, voice rough and pitiful, all at once.

"Got worried..." Dick stroked a hand down his back. 

That back was tense and knotted far more than normal, obviously locked up with tension. "Not worth it, Dick. Never have been."

"Bullshit. You've been taking care of me..." //I owe you this much...//

"Told Roy I would," the man said gruffly, but then he dropped his head, and his entire body seemed to be defeated. "Not that I could help it. Loved my boy."

"I know... even he knew... most of the time, he knew.." 

Ollie shook his head. "Please...don't stay down here." He was wrestling with his problems, trying to regain control...to stop from making a huge mistake with Dick.

"You haven't left me," Dick pointed out worriedly. 

Ollie looked up into those blue eyes, and felt absolutely miserable. "You need me." It came out weak, more a questioning than a statement.

"Yeah," Dick nodded. "I do... we do." 

The older man moved, pressing into Dick's space and wrapping arms around the younger one's waist. "God!"

Dick held him close, hands rubbing down his back, //You're the only one that gets it... You've got to stay. Lian can't lose anyone else...// 

Ollie shuddered and pressed his face into Dick's hair. He wanted to admit the problem he had, but he could not lose Dick or Lian, over something so stupid.

"It's okay, Ollie. I'm here... It's okay..." 

It took several deep breaths before Ollie could manage to speak. "Fine... I'm fine. Little one needs us both as sane as we can act," he managed.

Dick chuckled bitterly, "Yeah... and hell, we're both good at faking that. Okay." He knew he was lying... but... whatever it was, Ollie wasn't ready to talk, and he could wait. 

Ollie nodded, and gave Dick's hair an unconscious nuzzle. "Play me a game of cards or something. No way in hell I'm sleeping with my demons tonight."

"Sure. Poker or otherwise?" 

"Works." Ollie pulled away to stand up. Dick slid to his feet with him, heading for the stairs, worried, but willing to just play distraction for now. He'd ask again later. 

`~`~`~`~`

It was probably a good thing Ollie was sleeping so little, as the low whimpers that spoke of one of Dick's nightmares started to slide under the door of his bedroom. Those nightmares weren't new, much as the young man had tried to hide them, tried to exhaust himself to the point that he simply could not dream... but they had found him again. 

Ollie sighed softly, steeling himself to be strong again, rising from his bed and pulling his sweats on. He walked from his room to Dick's, just slipping inside and going to sit on the edge of the bed. "Dick."

The low voice did nothing to pull him away from his nightmare, and the whimpers became words, "...roy... roy no..." 

"Dick," Ollie said more firmly. "ROBIN!"

That strong, lithe body snapped upright, eyes snapping open sightlessly, scanning the room for what had awakened him, heart racing a mile a minute as he took quick, desperate breaths, agony in his eyes. 

Ollie reached out then, hand sliding over his shoulder, around his neck to gently squeeze. "Are you with me now, Dick?"

"I... I'm here..." Dick curled up on himself, pulling his knees to his chest, wrapping an arm around them.

Ollie turned, looking at the younger man with pity. "If I move over there, you going to freak out?" he asked, knowing just how violent Dinah had been after a nightmare.

Dick shook his head against the grip, wrapped tight around himself. "No."

The blond slipped up to the headboard, and manhandled Dick into moving up against his chest, doing nothing more than stroking his hair and back. "Need to talk?"

Dick shuddered, finally unbending enough to tuck his head against Ollie's shoulder, breathing familiar scents with a soft sigh. "I... maybe..." 

"I'm here, your friend, and my ear is open." Ollie prayed to Roy for patience, for understanding, so that he did not step in it with Dick as he tried to help the younger man.

Dick sighed softly, leaning into him, "I... we were... in the old Tower, together, just... clowning. being us..." 

"Sounds like the two of you. Roy was never one to be serious back then," Ollie said gruffly.

Dick nodded once, quick and sharp, and sucked in a breath. "Then... it started changing around me, flashbacks of the worst of our fights, every time I left... then I was back on that rooftop..." His shoulders shook violently as he curled tighter against the living body next to him, tears starting to streak down his cheeks despite how he fought them.

Ollie brought his hand up, wiping at the tears lightly, then gently tipped Dick's chin up. "My boy...loved you. He knew he could not hold you, that you had to be free. He hoped to one day be enough, but...he could never cage the beauty of the one he loved by making demands."

"I... saw him telling me it was my fault..." he couldn't even think about Ollie's words, not now... 

"NEVER!" Ollie squeezed Dick tightly to him. "I'm his father! Do you think I would have you in my home if I thought that?! No. And it would not be the way Roy thought! Ever!"

Dick closed his eyes and buried his face against Ollie's shoulder again, "I... I know that during the day... but I can't seem to convince myself at night..."

"Then...you don't need to be alone at night." Ollie opened the door to the tiger, knowing himself, knowing this man's reputation, but he could not leave Dick suffering. "If you'll let me, I'll be near..."

"I... can't ask that, Ollie. Not... not from you, not with..." //not when you feel so much like him already, not... I... know myself way too well...// 

"I'm not saying..." Ollie gritted his teeth; he knew, knew this could not turn out well. How could it? He had been alone for so long already, not really finding what he needed with Dawn, missing Di...he ruthlessly cut that off. "Just someone in the room, Dick. That's all."

Dick shook his head, cursing himself, "Sorry, Ollie, didn't mean... That... might help... Do you have them, too?" worried question.

Ollie bit his lip, turning his face aside as tears came. "Old ones, brought back by this, new ones, showing me how helpless I was, long ones that won't let me go as they show me just what a fool I was."

Dick twisted to reach up, uncurling out of the ball to stroke Ollie's back, "Maybe we can... guard each other, then? I want to help, if you'll let me..." 

Ollie turned back slowly, pressing his brow into the crook of Dick's shoulder and neck. "Yeah."

Dick relaxed, very slowly, tugging Ollie down into the bed. "Okay. We'll... watch each other." He squeezed a shoulder hard, lying near him. //This... is so not smart...// He knew himself far, far too well that to believe this was smart, but... 

Ollie settled on his back, knowing far better than to turn on his side. He was an earthy man, accustomed to strong lovers, and Dick... Dick was among the strongest. The fact he had belonged to Roy was Ollie's shield, as he let Dick settle close. Dick settled with a hand lightly on his chest, not daring to curl under his arm, and murmured a soft goodnight. 

`~`~`~`~` 

Ollie was at least discreet; he managed to slip out of the bed every morning before Lian had risen for the day. Dick occasionally saw the effort it took for Ollie to be completely chaste toward him, betrayed on rarer moments by a quick brush of his lips over Dick's hair. Every one of those touches stirred entirely too much in Dick, made him long for what he'd lost so desperately that it was hard to breathe... and he buried himself in caring for Lian, or in the simplicity of just him and a punching bag, until that would pass. 

Things continued, neither willing to put themselves into further complications, neither admitting what they both knew. The days went by with Lian slowly adapting, getting settled into life in Star City, and the adults avoiding the pink elephant.

Until late one Tuesday evening, when Mia's voice suddenly rang out in not-at-all-Mia's tones, "Yo, Flying Grayson, where are ya, I don't have all damn night!" 

Dick tensed, adrenaline surging as he ran down the stairs, eyes locking on her as he asked incredulously, "Brand?"

Ollie had come running too, knowing the voice, and knowing the implications. "Boston?!"

"You two're sharp, for a pair that've hung it up..." the ghost in her body praised, smiling. 

"What do you want, Boston?" 

"Cough it up, Deadman...we hung it up for damn good reasons." Ollie's voice was a growl, as he crossed his arms and stayed far from Dick.

"I'm not supposed to be doing things like this, but when a dame with legs like that asks that nice, what's a guy supposed to do?" 

Dick tensed all over, wishing yet again that hitting the spook would do anything but hurt Mia. "Damn it Boston!"

"Dinah?!" Ollie wavered on his feet, as he thought of his Pretty Bird brokering a deal with Deadman. //She hasn't moved on, oh god! Pretty Bird, am I chaining...is it me, or is it Lian?//

Dick lunged sideways, steadying him on his feet, his eyes wide as Boston rattled his world, shook him up...

"Not saying any names, but she sure cuts a fine figure in those 'nets, and the redhead looks pretty good, too. They conned me into running down here with a coupla messages for ya. One: knock it off with the blaming yourselves--pretty typical, that one," Deadman shrugged. "Two--and this doesn't make as much sense to me... Y'need to talk to the demon girl. When she did what she did with the artist, it didn't get everything onto that disk, some of it stayed in him, so it wasn't really him... That make any more sense to you than it does me?" 

"Demon...Raven?" Ollie asked, staring at Dick, not fully understanding that part of the message. //Together. She wouldn't let him go or he wouldn't her...//

Dick's legs went out from under him despite the grip he had on Ollie, looking up at Mia from his spot on the floor, "Yeah. Boston. It makes plenty of sense... Anything else?" //Oh. My. God.....// His hands were trying to shake, hell, his entire body was trying to shake in reaction. 

Ollie slid down next to his friend, to the one person in existence he could care about outside of his family, gripping his shoulders tight.

"Only that you need to be paying attention. There was something brewing. Seems like its stalled, but... eyes open, kid." 

Dick shook a little more violently at those words, that intonation in a voice so wrong, "I get the message, Brand. Thank you. Tell... tell him I love him?" 

"Sure, Grayson, sure. 'Go away, Boston,' right?" 

"Boston...thank you...and let them know...both of them..." Ollie couldn't get any further as he just lost it, thinking of his family, trapped in limbo and still thinking enough of them to get warnings and messages across.

"No problem, Queen," Brand said as he vanished out of Mia's body. 

Dick dropped his head against his knees, shuddering in reaction to the news, heart slamming against his ribs so damn hard. 

"What the fuck was that?!" Mia demanded. 

"Deadman. Can you go be irate somewhere else?" Ollie growled through his pain. Mia decided that was a great idea, absconding for a hot shower.

Dick shuddered and forced himself to his feet, fighting the case of the shakes off enough to try and get upstairs and collapse where Lian could not see him if she came out of her room. 

Ollie was nowhere near that strong just yet, as he struggled with knowing what the Afterlife was supposed to be like, hating that his love had been denied that, that Roy was barred from his eternal peace...and yet, he wondered if either could have been happy without the other.

Dick turned halfway up the stairs, realizing Ollie wasn't with him, and went down to grab hold of his arm, struggling to pull him up, get him moving... Woodenly, the heavier archer followed the acrobat, up the stairs and into a room without caring whose it was.

Dick dropped onto the bed, closing his eyes again, whispering, "Oh, my god, ohmygod..." //oh, god, Roy, I miss you so much...you really don't blame me? I.. I wasn't wrong... it wasn't really...// 

"Explain it to me, kid...let me see what is running so strong in your veins right now," Ollie said softly, wiping at his face.

"He... Boston was talking about Slade, Ollie... he was still crazy, god, he was still crazy, and Roy thought to tell me..." That... that just utterly rocked his world, stunned him to the bone as much as the shock of the message coming at all.. 

"Oh my god...Kid!" Ollie knew just how much that had to mean, how many answers it provided them both. "He was still nuts..."

"Y-yeah... god..." Dick twisted, shoved himself into and against Ollie's arms. "He didn't... He didn't take Roy from me--us..." he amended apologetically, fighting the urge to sob in relief.

"Let it go, kid...I know...I know from Roy how caught up in Slade your life was," Ollie admitted, biting back a thousand bitter words to focus on Dick's relief, on the fact Dick might heal.

"Been hating him, so much.. I just..." the first sob ripped out of his throat, shoving up against his side, "God, damnit..." He shuddered, "Fuck, he told you... and now he reassures me from the afterlife that--" He couldn't finish that sentence, and another slipped out in its place, low, tiny whisper. "I never deserved him..." 

The low growl that escaped Ollie was almost primal as he gripped he other's shoulders, shook him hard three times. "You listen to me, Richard John Grayson...My boy doesn't fight losing battles! If you had not been worth it to him, he would have fuckin' turned his back on you that way the second time you ran off to the girl in Gotham! But no...He saw in you the one soul he could live his life with...once you were ready!"

The fury in Ollie's voice as he lashed out at him shattered something in Dick's heart all over again and the sobs building changed from relieved to just as desolate as they had been as Tim held him, falling all the way back into the pit of grief and self-hate that he'd slowly been crawling out of as he struggled like a wild thing to get out of Ollie's hold. 

"No...no..." Ollie's voice modulated back down, reining in that beast of anger that had lashed out when Dick was so weak. "God, Dick... I'm sorry." He struggled to make sure Dick could not escape him, crushing him close, lips feathering over dark hair at his temple. "Please, Dick...forgive me...god, don't pull away..." There was desperation in his voice, fresh tears marring his cheeks as he felt Dick slipping from him, taking his anchor on life.

Dick finally stopped fighting against powerful arms that were so damn much like Roy's, offering him the safety he--didn't deserve, had been so stupid about for so long, had hurt and betrayed and lost... He needed that safety--and so utterly didn't deserve the offer, or the strength behind it, but to say so would only draw more of Ollie's rage so--he remained silent but for the sobs, face pressed into his chest, hurting too much, too deep, to be anything but pliant... 

"Dick..." Ollie felt that crumpling, felt the way Dick just broke, and realized he had, despite all intentions, still managed to screw it up again. "Lay down, Dick," he said softly, releasing him from his arms, already pulling away as he saw his failures on full display. "Just lay down, and sleep it out. Lian will be fine. Mia's in the house." He could not stay, could not continue to force his existence on the one person he was supposed to support above all others.

"Don't leave?" Dick whispered, curling down small against the bed, desperate not to be alone even though that was exactly what he deserved... 

"After what I just did to you? Kid...I should have just stayed dead for all the good I've done this time around," Ollie said flatly, resting on the edge of the bed. 

Dick closed his eyes, "Deserved the smack. Probably deserve worse. And you shouldn't have stayed dead, Lian needs you."

"Dick...I failed you. How soon until I fail her? Not long, I can promise you that." Ollie sighed heavily, laid down on the edge of the bed, his back to Dick. Later would be soon enough. Once Lian had Dick occupied, he'd go pound the bag, consider what he should do.

Dick twisted enough to slide across the bed, curling against Ollie's back. "It's okay, Ollie..." whispered softly. 

Ollie shuddered one time, violently, at the feel of that firm body lying behind him. He bit his lip to bring pain to the forefront to fight off the wrong images his mind was giving him.

"It's okay," Dick whispered again, clinging to the only stability he had left. "My issues, not your fault, deserved the yell."

"Dick..." Ollie tried hard to not show his tension, but the word came out strangled. "You...should not...down yourself."

"Why?" low, aching whisper.

Ollie closed his eyes, wishing the younger man would move away. "Because my Roy believed in you."

"..yeah, he did..." Dick shifted back and curled up on himself, swallowing hard as the grief tried to strike again, harder. //Even when I didn't deserve it...// 

"Because I need to believe in you," Ollie whispered, almost too soft to hear.

"Why..?"

"Because if I don't...I've got nothing left. I shoved Hal away, my Di is gone, you tore Bruce from me..." He closed his eyes as that last slipped out; not having meant to share that.

Dick froze at that, going utterly still and silent, "Bruce?" he whispered, stunned. 

"Fuck..." Ollie whispered, shoving over onto his back to stare at the ceiling. "It's why it hit me so hard, Dick, what you said about Bruce using Roy to get to you." He could not help the way his hands fisted up, wanting to lash out. "I gave him every ounce of trust I ever had when we were both very new to this Crusading thing. Every bit of me was his."

Dick closed his eyes, curling up tighter around himself, "I'm so sorry," he whispered, throat and chest aching. He knew exactly how it felt when... "Pushed you away... like me..." 

"Not...not exactly." Ollie could not let it lie like that, not when what Bruce had done was as much a sacrifice as a gift. "I met Dinah. One of his city. A woman that I could not resist..." His voice throbbed with emotion as he remembered the tumultuous first dates. "He ended it, to free me, because of her beliefs, because he respected her."

Dick opened his eyes again, watching Ollie's face, and finally nodded slowly. "Sounds... sounds like the man I used to know." 

Ollie drew himself tightly under control, and looked at Dick closely. "I…I've never been one for staying alone, Dick. The women weren't just a distraction and cover like they were for Bruce…I'm sanest when there is someone around." He tried to find the way to phrase the tumult in his head so as not to offend Dick.

Dick nodded slowly, closing his eyes, "Yeah... I know a little something about that..."

"I can't see myself ever opening back up, that way, to anyone else. They'd never understand that my heart died with her," the archer told Dick.

Dick's chin jerked once, hard, sharp movement, and his hands tightened, turning his face away. "Yeah... I don't have it left to give. He took it with him... and I can't go near anyone else I was ever with... I hate myself for every minute I spent with them and not him too much..."

"Fuck yes," Ollie whispered. He slid his hand up into Dick's hair. "Kid…Dick." Green eyes were carefully guarded, much as the tone was. "I'm here for you, no matter what. And I'm willing to lean on you. But we've both been dancing around something else…."

Dick looked back at him, conflict written all over his face as he leaned back into the touch, sigh ghosting out of him as his hand tensed slowly. "Yeah... we have... but then, it's a couple dozen levels of fucked up, isn't it? Even without the added level you just told me about..."

"Yeah. Believe me, I know." Ollie grimaced. "Just saying…if it leans that way, in the long run…I know it's Roy you're reaching for."

From anyone else, Dick would've been too shocked to even think it through, but from Ollie, who was hurting even more than he was... He could almost understand, and he curled tighter into the hold, shaking his head slowly, but only in disbelief. "God... I... okay, Ollie. Okay. ...Thank you. ...Neither one of us was really cut out to be alone..."

Ollie breathed a sigh of relief. "Not saying it will…but wanted to clear the air," he murmured. He drew his hand back, closing his eyes as he made himself relax, trying not to think of Dinah and Roy for just five minutes, so he could breathe without the piano sitting on his chest.

Dick nodded again. "Yeah... It's been... complicating things. Least it's in the open?" Dick settled back, still more than half stunned and shocked by earlier, let alone this...

"Yeah, it's out." Ollie opened his eyes to fight off the image he had of Roy's arms around Dinah, both of them watching over this melodrama. 

Dick sighed softly, opening his eyes to watch Ollie quietly. The archer gave him a small smile, one that was far too tragic to have any meaning beyond acknowledging Dick was watching him.

"Guess we ought to get moving again..."

"You go, Dick…I need some time." Ollie rolled to his side, pulling a pillow down to his chest. "Lian will be up any time now from her nap…and I can't hide the pain right now."

"Alright." Dick curled a hand tight around Ollie's shoulder, then made himself move away, getting up off the bed. He was still slightly shocky from everything, but they both needed some space right now... He'd finish freaking out about the revelations later.


End file.
